I’ve invented a new sport.
Its much like soccer
Except instead of a ball
You carry around
A rich guy on a couch
Who just lies back to enjoy it all.
The couch player
Is very important
Because they direct their team.
I think I’ll name it
Monarchy Ball.
It’s more loved than it would logically seem.
Filed under Poems
Verdant green forest around me.
Mountains and rivers as well.
I am in nature to find myself,
So at least step one went well.
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I was born into a social contract.
I didn’t choose it for myself.
It says that I must obey laws
And I can never be an elf.
It includes some pretty lousy clauses
Like “you cannot gramatically refer to yourself in the first person as ‘me'”
And “poems should have meter.”
That’s why I quit to play an RPG.
Filed under Poems
Judging by response
Of yesterdays rhyming junk
You folks not fans of grammar.
This poem be good then, so me did thunk.
Us will judge by them responses
Whether stuff like this be fine.
And if you dont not dislike it
Please feel free to whine.
Filed under Poems
Circum is a prefix
Whose presence does effect
In many ways its second part,
For instance: Circumspect.
If Circum is added to
A position in a dance
You will find that you have made
A unique circumstance.
If instead you circum
A trip to another state
You might be delighted
That you can circumnavigate.
There are circum words
That most people can’t define
Like circumference and circumscribe
And circumquasiredefine.
But there’s a word that to circum
Would not be very wise.
You may have guessed by now
That that word, of course, is “size.”
Filed under Poems
If your story’s just beginning
But your ideas have run out
There’s no need for disappointment
So you can quit your silly pout.
All the greatest stories
Lose their steam before the end
And that’s why we continue
The “something lucky happened” trend.
It’s why stormtroopers can’t hit a barn
And main characters don’t get shivved.
Executions are delayed for a monologue
And Harry’s the boy who lived.
It’s why Ringwraith’s can sense the ring
From half a world away
But not when hobbits hold it
With a tree stump in the way.
Heroes outrun explosions
While the villain merely dies.
The white hats still draw faster
Despite the sunlight in their eyes.
So if you want a writing tip
I’ll give you one to keep:
As long as sh*t works out in the end
The fans will lose no sleep.
Filed under Poems
Clip-clop, clip-clop.
The horse passes by.
Clip-clop, clip-clop.
It has no shoes, but why?
Flip-flop, flip-flop.
Problem solved.
Filed under Poems
As icy water wraps me
Like Satan’s comfort blanket
The naked truth hits me
Like one of my French girls.
I realize that I will die
And almost certainly not win an Oscar.
I look out on the ocean,
Green waves far away massage
Where the shore’s shoulders would be
If the shore had shoulders.
A cold wind turns the surface
Into a speckled visage,
The watery face of a teenage boy
If that’s what the ocean were.
Leagues below, seaweed dances
As a beloved mermaid sings
About how unsatisfied she is
With royalty and wealth.
All I hear is screaming,
The sound of burning wreckage
Sinking below the surface,
And Celine Dion warming up offstage.
As I gaze into the eyes of my love
Whom I met a few hours ago
My suffering diminishes
For I do not suffer alone.
A thousand boyfriends will share
This 214-minute suffering
For so long as home videos exist.
I was her shoulder to cry on,
Something the shoulderless shore
Will never be.
Okay, I’m cold now.
Filed under Poems
I’m not mad that in a day
Awareness of the Manta Ray
And its lack of presence in verse
Has hardly changed, for better or worse.
I’m not mad that my attempt
Has not resulted as I dreamt.
Alas, it is not as I wished,
For still few care for the flat gray fish.
And so in my last plea to you
I wrote, of the Manta, this haiku:
Swimming manta ray.
Crocodile hunter slain
And still no poems.
I hope I have inspired you
To write rhymes of the great ray too.
Rhyming’s hard, and some will balk
Yet still I’m glad we had this talk.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 