Bowling balls are very hard
And also very round.
When they strike the bowling line
They make a smacky sound,
And when the balls crash into all
The pretty pear-shaped pins
The guy who threw the ball says “whee”
And everybody grins.
Bowling balls have lots of holes
To slide onto your fingers
And when the game is over with
The happy feeling lingers.
You have to wear some public shoes
But that’s okay, I guess.
Bowling’s basically like sex
But doesn’t make a mess!
Filed under Poems
Happy happy happy.
Joy joy joy.
Yippee yippee yippee.
Oh boy oh boy oh boy.
I can’t wait. I’m excited.
I’m overwhelmed with wow.
If you think exclamation marks are dumb
You do not think so now.
Filed under Poems
A silver goose on a crystal lake
Locks eyes with me at dawn
And ‘neath the sunrise orange it spake
And pooped upon my lawn.
Silver goose, an anarchist
Would soon my rifle eat…
Though I aimed wide, I will not miss
When next our twain shall meet.
Filed under Poems
Textured washcloth in a pastel color,
I love how my skin you exfoliate.
You make my oily skin look so duller;
For your great glory, I extoll ye, mate!
When I am lonely and in a great need
Of very crude and masculine release
I need no manual to for to read
To help you bring me to a restful peace.
You cost so little, less than fifty cents
And you loyally last my whole life long;
Textured pastel washcloth, I ask you whence
Did you become so grand, forever strong?
You are more than just a cheap toiletry;
You, my washcloth, are the best part of me!
Filed under Poems
I think on behalf of those born between
Late June and late July
We need to recognize their pain
And ask the question why
Their star sign is a great disease
(And a pretty boring fish).
I think the other stat signs
Should be diseases too. I wish
That some day in the future
Someone will die of Libra
And we’ll recognize that Cancer
Is a constellation of a zebra.
Filed under Poems
I asked how hot the weather was
On a scale of one to ten,
But apparently that’s boring
So I rephrased and asked again:
“On a scale that starts at Poop
“And goes until my Sadie Sink
“How hot is it?” They said “Satan’s balls”
And now I don’t know what to think…
Filed under Poems
If chickens were the size of whales
We’d cure hunger with one egg.
No one would ever starve again
Or ever have to beg.
We’d have a peaceful planet
With everything we need
Until we learn the bitter truth:
We’d soon be chicken feed…
Odinny boy, the vikes, the vikes are calling
From sea to sea and to Valhalla’s shore.
They’re very drunk, and stock of mead is falling
And so they pray you’ll bless them now with more.
But come ye back when sunlight’s in the meadow
Or when your subjects lounge out on the fjord
And talk to me, future irrev’rant poet
In case you’re done fighting and very, very bjord.
Filed under Poems
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Though it was obvious Humpty would die
Still the king said, “Give the horses a try!”
Filed under Poems
There once was a gaudy raven
Who wore a crown, but wasn’t a king.
A pair of humans saw this
And plotted a wicked thing.
They aimed to kill the impostor
So around the land ‘twould be heard:
“Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
“Two kill a mock king bird!”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 