My girlfriend likes to relax in the evening
But I like to step up a notch.
She said “Let’s watch Steel Magnolias.”
I said “Let’s steal Magnolia’s watch.”
Tag Archives: Silly
Daddy Is The Child, While The Daddy Is Childish
If I were a professional athlete
Who married a supermodel
And knew my progeny’s eventual genes
Would be cranking out talent full-throttle
I think I would name my son “Daddy”
Just to see the look on some faces
Whenever my son is revealed as the one
Who wins all the games and the races.
“Oh yes, Daddy’s enormous”
All the commentators would say
“And Daddy’s been known to dominate
“Everybody who stands in his way.”
Let’s say Daddy learned to play hockey…
I think that would sound pretty slick:
“Daddy comes quickly towards the goal!
“I love how he handles his stick!”
Daddy could master the breast stroke,
Or hook up with a tight end,
Dribble his ball for a lay-in
Or illegally use his hands “to defend.”
Yes, my athletic son Daddy
Would make even golf fun to watch…
But alas, God made me a poet
And no athlete shall be conceived by my crotch.
Filed under Poems
Smells Like Home, Tastes Like [Redacted]
The CIA captured the boss
Of a domestic terrorist cell.
They did everything they could do
To “convince” the guy to tell
What he’s planning, what he knows,
But the criminal never cracked
Until the feds quit waterboarding him
And made him drink vanilla extract.
Filed under Poems
Gary Gygax Is My Promise Ring
Some people use condoms.
Some folks use the pill.
Some people are celibate.
There are other methods still;
My favorite of the methods
To prevent a pregnancy
Is by telling all my dates
That I play D&D.
Filed under Poems
“Thinks Before Speaking” Is An Underrated Job Skill
I lost my job this morning.
I was notified by text:
“Thanks for your time with us.
“Good luck on whatever comes next.”
I knew after I told my boss
My thoughts I couldn’t debate it…
“100 million sperm, and somehow
“You’re the one who made it?”
Filed under Poems
A Serving Is What You Eat On One Sitting, Right?
I used to wonder why grocery stores
Wrote the word “Oreos” on the box
When they only pack one serving.
Also, why’ve I outgrown my socks?
Filed under Poems
Language: Olde vs. New
A missionary came to me
And my friend Javier
Asking “Do you accept Jesus
“As your Lord and Savior?”
Another missionary
Fulfilled his role
By asking “Do you want an extended warranty
“For your soul?”
Filed under Poems
Share This Poem With That Special Person
A hero, a villain, and an idiot
Were writing a poem together.
The hero said “I think we should
“Write of love to my girlfriend, Heather.”
The villain said, “I think instead
“We write about someone who died.”
Then they turned to you and said together:
“Why don’t you decide?”
Filed under Poems
Pasta My Prime
Tonight my inspiration is limited.
The scope of it is teeny,
So suffice it to say
I found out today
A wimpy Italian is a lingweeny.
Filed under Poems
Transparency Matters
A ghost arrived in the afterlife
Having committed suicide.
The other ghosts surrounded him. “Oh dear!
“Why did you end your life like that?“
The new ghost said “Communication!
“The truth is I just wanted to be clear.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 