Instead of sending crooks to jail
What if we made them eat kale?
I think they’d say that I’m a hero
For the idea that reduced all crime to zero.
Tag Archives: Silly
Hogwarts, 2021
If you think a Banshee’s scream is bad
You have never heard
The scream of the mythical Banthey
When one’s been misgendered.
Filed under Poems
Taaaake… Me To The Ri. Vuh… (Drop me in the wa. Tuh…) But An Octave Lower
The guys who, in the ‘90s,
Made the singing Big Mouth Bass
Will be long renowned by history
For redefining “urban class.”
Alas, they could have changed music
Had they thought ahead so far
As to make an instrument
They called the “bass guitar.”
Filed under Poems
By Reading This Limerick You May Or May Not Open A Parallel Universe
There once was a cat of Schrodinger
Who wanted to give science the finger.
He said “I will stay
“And also walk away.”
Thus he simultaneously did and did not linger.
Filed under Poems
“Andrew’s Shirtless Chest Glistened Under The Golden Sun. He Placed His Hands On My…” Crap… That’s The Summit
I kept climbing mountains
Even after I went blind.
Sure, the view was nothing much
But now instead I find
The mountain tells me stories
That I can read in braille.
Sure, they can be predictable
But they have such great detail!
Filed under Poems
By The Way, Why Did Didn’t
Today I wrote
“Why did the chicken cross the road”
And someone petty replied
“You forgot the question mark…
“You meant ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’”
So I went out and bought a chicken
And named it Why Did
And I commanded it:
“Why Did the chicken, cross the road!”
That’s what random internet people get
For being grammar nazis.
The Good Girl And The Criminal, Abridged
My girlfriend likes to relax in the evening
But I like to step up a notch.
She said “Let’s watch Steel Magnolias.”
I said “Let’s steal Magnolia’s watch.”
Filed under Poems
Daddy Is The Child, While The Daddy Is Childish
If I were a professional athlete
Who married a supermodel
And knew my progeny’s eventual genes
Would be cranking out talent full-throttle
I think I would name my son “Daddy”
Just to see the look on some faces
Whenever my son is revealed as the one
Who wins all the games and the races.
“Oh yes, Daddy’s enormous”
All the commentators would say
“And Daddy’s been known to dominate
“Everybody who stands in his way.”
Let’s say Daddy learned to play hockey…
I think that would sound pretty slick:
“Daddy comes quickly towards the goal!
“I love how he handles his stick!”
Daddy could master the breast stroke,
Or hook up with a tight end,
Dribble his ball for a lay-in
Or illegally use his hands “to defend.”
Yes, my athletic son Daddy
Would make even golf fun to watch…
But alas, God made me a poet
And no athlete shall be conceived by my crotch.
Filed under Poems
Smells Like Home, Tastes Like [Redacted]
The CIA captured the boss
Of a domestic terrorist cell.
They did everything they could do
To “convince” the guy to tell
What he’s planning, what he knows,
But the criminal never cracked
Until the feds quit waterboarding him
And made him drink vanilla extract.
Filed under Poems
Gary Gygax Is My Promise Ring
Some people use condoms.
Some folks use the pill.
Some people are celibate.
There are other methods still;
My favorite of the methods
To prevent a pregnancy
Is by telling all my dates
That I play D&D.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 