If you want a large-beaked bird
A pelican will do.
If you want a big-beaked philosopher
Then Peli Kant’s for you.
If you want a big-beaked marsupial
Try pelikangaroo.
If you want other big-beaked puns…
You guessed it: Pelican-do.
Tag Archives: Stupid
Hear Hear!
Here’s to the year
That’s drawing near
(Or, depending when you read this,
Is already here),
I year where the queer
Have no need to fear,
Where we can steer clear
Of those who would sneer
And our get-in-shape goals
Can go get back in gear.
May your pain disappear
In the upcoming year
And if you partook of beer
Of deer may you steer clear.
I hope that my well wishes
Have thus been made clear
For this poem, readers dear,
You will find endeth here.
Filed under Poems
Dear Womxn…
The title’s not a typo
But a movement that began
Because the words “women” and “woman”
Include the words “men” and “man.”
I support those of all genders
Whether pronounceable or not
But there are a few more words
Of which ye womxn haven’t thought:
Mandatory, mandate
Manuscript and mandolin,
Manufacture, mandril,
Manhole, manager, mansion,
Manitoba, manometric,
And we haven’t seen
Manservant, mend, mental, and menstruate,
Manhandle, mangosteen,
Plus Truman, human, lumen,
Mandrake and manipulate,
Manifest, manageable,
Mannerly and mandarinate,
Mandatory, mandragora,
Manchineels and manticore,
Manicure, manifest, manubriums,
And over 1,600 more.
The point that I am making
Is that “man” shows up a lot;
It’s just a common phoneme,
Not a patriarchal plot.
So don’t mention Womxn to me
Or their mantras, manifestos,
Or other such manure.
Now excuse me, I’m making pesto.
Filed under Poems
I’m Going To Say This Before Every Meal From Now On
Jesus was born in a manger
And in French “manger” means “to eat.”
I don’t know how that is relevant
But I still think it is neat.
Filed under Poems
My Point Exactly
While fighting with my neighbor
I shouted “You can’t spell stupid without ‘U.'”
He shouted his retort to me:
“There’s ‘I’ in stupid too!”
Filed under Poems
A Poem Is…
A vague sentence
Full of supercilious words
Spread out asymmetrically
Over multiple
Lines,
Rhyming
Optional.
Filed under Poems
There Is No Hidden Meaning. You’re Welcome.
I met an Indian guy on Tinder,
A philosopher named Deepinder.
I couldn’t understand most of what he said
So he said “Date my brother Shallowinder instead.”
Filed under Poems
The Making Of Shrek 3 (‘Cause 1 and 2 Are Genius)
There once was a movie
That featured a fart
And, in children, it inspired laughter.
And so it was decreed
That fart jokes were a need
In all movies for children thereafter.
Filed under Poems
But Please Don’t
If I were a flamingo, um…
You wouldn’t be reading this poem.
If I were a beaver
You wouldn’t be reading it either.
If I were a yak
You’d have the last 10 seconds back.
But alas I am a human
So if you want to sue me, you can.
Filed under Poems
Rescue Animal Used Bite: It’s Super Effective!
The animal lovers called it
“A barbaric dog fighting cabal.”
I called it “Well meaning people
“Who haven’t discovered Pokemon Go.”
Take that vegans!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 