So a friend of mine got kidnapped
And they sent a ransom link.
It said “click here to see the ransom price”.
I’ll never see him again, I think.
Tag Archives: Stupid
A Poem For My Wife On The Occasion Of A Duty To Her Peers
‘Twas the day of jury duty
And through the courthouse
Most groups were still waiting
(They’d just called in “mouse”).
The judges were hoping
For non-psycho jurors
While my wife was pining
For sofas and purrers.
One hundred dollars
Awaited those selected
To sit in the waiting room,
Tired and dejected,
But some of those gathered
Would be chosen to act
As one of a dozen
Who would justice enact.
The thrill of deciding
A dumb person’s fate
Might be tempting for some,
But not to my mate.
She wanted to go
To her job or her house,
Not to wait for a call
For “Octopus”. (Nope, still “mouse”).
And then, with a flash
And a low-level clatter
A sentry emerged
And did hush all their chatter.
“I’ve news for you all”
The page said to the bunch.
“We don’t need you right now.
“Take an hour for lunch.”
And so wifey departed
In search of a bite
With an intrusive thought
That she’d be here all night…
Filed under Poems
Black Friday?
‘Twas two nights before Thanksgiving
And on every website
There were black Friday ads
That were sure to delight,
For why wait three more days
To get ludicrous deals
Like fifty-percent off
Those bejeweled heels?
Sure, in July
They were 99 bucks
But now they’re 199.99 89 dollars.
What incredible luck!
Today we are thankful
For bargains galore.
Now just three days to wait
Before violence in the store!
Filed under Poems
Schrödinger’s Pillow Fort
So hypothetically, if I went in a box
And scientists didn’t know
That I’d gone in a box at all
It would be as though
I was simultaneously dead and alive
And in a quantum flux
And on behalf of others in my box fort
I think that kinda sucks.
Filed under Poems
Dear Every Channel Today, Apparently…
If you feel the need to change our minds
Two days before our votes are cast
I suggest that your campaign was crap
And the time for changing minds has passed.
Filed under Poems
Female Entrepreneurial Role Models
There once was a whole in the ozone layer
But luckily your mom was a ticket payer…
As her plane left the ground
There was a brief sucking sound
And now she’s demanding we pay her.
Filed under Poems
Social Media
There once was a dancing woman
Wearing as little as legal
Dancing while some AI hip-hop played
Advertising food for her beagle.
A number of bots decided
It was worth watching ten million times.
It’s probably better on TikTok
But hey, my version rhymes!
Filed under Poems
We’re Almost Done! (Repeat The Line)
There once was a politician (read: liar)
Whose teleprompter went haywire.
She said “34 days”
About 34 ways
And CNN wrote “…continues to inspire.”
Filed under Poems
If Timmy Were Trans, This Would Still Be In Your School’s Library
Timmy wasn’t happy.
Timmy threw a fit.
Timmy is annoying.
He’s a little piece of shit.
Timmy has a blanket
That teacher took away.
Timmy started crying
‘Cause he’s dumb and fat and gay.
The office called Ms. Timmy
And said “your son is sad”.
Ms. Timmy said, “He should be
“‘Cause he never met his dad.”
Then Timmy got a rifle
From the democratic party
And he took a shot at Donald
And now they call him “Smarty.”
Filed under Poems
Folie A Deux
There was a movie about mental illness
That everyone actually liked
And, because of it, interest
In DC movies spiked.
Why not make a sequel
That’s a musical joke
And make it a franchise
And also all woke?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 