‘Twas two nights before Thanksgiving
And on every website
There were black Friday ads
That were sure to delight,
For why wait three more days
To get ludicrous deals
Like fifty-percent off
Those bejeweled heels?
Sure, in July
They were 99 bucks
But now they’re 199.99 89 dollars.
What incredible luck!
Today we are thankful
For bargains galore.
Now just three days to wait
Before violence in the store!
Filed under Poems
So hypothetically, if I went in a box
And scientists didn’t know
That I’d gone in a box at all
It would be as though
I was simultaneously dead and alive
And in a quantum flux
And on behalf of others in my box fort
I think that kinda sucks.
Filed under Poems
If you feel the need to change our minds
Two days before our votes are cast
I suggest that your campaign was crap
And the time for changing minds has passed.
Filed under Poems
There once was a whole in the ozone layer
But luckily your mom was a ticket payer…
As her plane left the ground
There was a brief sucking sound
And now she’s demanding we pay her.
Filed under Poems
There once was a dancing woman
Wearing as little as legal
Dancing while some AI hip-hop played
Advertising food for her beagle.
A number of bots decided
It was worth watching ten million times.
It’s probably better on TikTok
But hey, my version rhymes!
Filed under Poems
There once was a politician (read: liar)
Whose teleprompter went haywire.
She said “34 days”
About 34 ways
And CNN wrote “…continues to inspire.”
Filed under Poems
Timmy wasn’t happy.
Timmy threw a fit.
Timmy is annoying.
He’s a little piece of shit.
Timmy has a blanket
That teacher took away.
Timmy started crying
‘Cause he’s dumb and fat and gay.
The office called Ms. Timmy
And said “your son is sad”.
Ms. Timmy said, “He should be
“‘Cause he never met his dad.”
Then Timmy got a rifle
From the democratic party
And he took a shot at Donald
And now they call him “Smarty.”
Filed under Poems
There was a movie about mental illness
That everyone actually liked
And, because of it, interest
In DC movies spiked.
Why not make a sequel
That’s a musical joke
And make it a franchise
And also all woke?
Filed under Poems
Nobody with a time machine killed Hitler
And nobody stopped the Spanish Inquisition
And single-player games require the internet
Which puts us in an interesting position:
Do we accept that no one will ever make
A machine that can travel back in time
Or do we think time travelers are stopping even worse stuff
And accept that maybe everything’s fine?
Filed under Poems
If you ever feel like a failure
Know that someone made a living
From that video of Grandpa
Getting drunk that one Thanksgiving
But your video of falling
Off a bridge ain’t got no views…
So yeah, you fail at failing,
But isn’t that good news?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 