Tag Archives: Travesty

Morning At The Vineyard

It’s morning at the vineyard

And the weather’s looking fine!

We sing hurrah and pick syrah

By bunches off the vine.

There’s Malbec for our jelly

And cabernet for wine,

Filling bucket after bucket

With pickers numbering nine.

My girl may have partaken

Of a bottle from last year.

The leaves stay green and limber

Though its fruit will disappear.

With truck beds full and spirits high

We loose a mirthful cheer!

Now we’re on the highway home

With the pickers we hold dear.

Tomorrow we’ll de-stem the lot

And barrel it to wait

Until next year’s excursion

Or ‘til 2028.

It’s a family tradition

So we all participate,

Bottling mornings in the vineyard,

Packing memories by the crate.

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Let’s Go Brandon

The economy’s so deep in the tanks

That starving kids in Santiago

Are offering prayers of thanks

That they weren’t born in Chicago.

Meanwhile, the Mormons of Utah

And the Amish of Pennsylvania

Are saying “we got to scoot, yah”

And moving to Albania.

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Now You Know Why DeerDon’t Use iPhones

There once was a buck from Melrose

Who smelled something sweet with his nose.

His friends said “That crap’ll

“Most oft be an apple.

“Forget it. Let’s go out and win does.”

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That Went Whale…

There once was a lovely young seal

Who captured my sea-mammal heart.

She had an adorable squeal

That made all my fantasies start.

I asked her to go for a drink with me

At a hip new place called “Chez Rubbing”.

But I scared her away. I’d forgotten

That seal babes aren’t fans of clubbing.

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Great Historical Figures Deserve Better Than This, But I Wrote It Anyway

There once was a mom from Calcutta

Who was sweeter than suga or butta.

Even she had no mercy

For those born in Jersey

So Jersey boys pray to King Tutta.

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The Taste Of Home

For every sandwich ever made,

For every stand with lemonade,

For every pizza baked at home

In Tuscaloosa or in Rome,

For all the cream we ever whipped,

All the coffee ever sipped,

I dedicate this meal for you:

Gummy worm salad and “mystery” stew.

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This Is Why Nobody Bought My Bond Script

Yesterday is faded;

Tomorrow will never come.

Both of these also apply

When I describe your mum.

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I’m Like Mario, But Not As Famous Or Italian Or As Irrationally Compelled To Hit My Head On Boxes

Today my shower broke

And it sprayed everywhere.

The hose that moved the water

Had ripped a mighty tear

So I went to Home Depot

And bought a fixy thing

With a non-torn doohickey

And an intact rubber ring.

I screwed it on the spiggot

Where the water starts to pour

But with the new doohickey

The flow’s not limited anymore

And it makes an awesome shower,

Like emptying ten semi trucks

Full of water. One more reason

Why life in California sucks!

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A True Hunter’s End

I was a monster hunter

In a past life, but alas

I was reincarnated

As a big-mouth billy bass

And instead of hunting demons,

Slaying dragons and the like

I sing “Take me to the river”

To a naked guy named “Spike.”

It wasn’t quite the future

I imagined when I fell.

I did not find Valhalla

But a special sort of Hell.

But in between my bursts of song

And bobbing of my head

I dream of where I’ll be reborn

When next I’m stricken dead…

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Thursday Night Football

There once were some Illinois Bears

Who played the ex-redskins by O’hare.

They punted and punted

And punted and punted

And who the heck actually cares?

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