Tag Archives: Travesty

My First Sponsor!

Dear readers, it gives me great Pride(tm) that my blog, a long-time proponent of mediocrity in all forms, has chosen to partner with America’s favorite soft drink:

PIDD!

PIDD! (or Performance Inhibiting Drug Drink) has been taking the world by storm (consensually, of course). Inspired by brands like Disney, Bud Light, and OceanGate, PIDD! is sinking its teeth into all the things that once made you happy like:

The NBA (Nubile Boys of America)

MMA (Male Maidens Association)

UPS (Un-Penissing Service)

UN (United Nations)

And many more!

PIDD! is the only soft drink that makes you softer in both body and mind. It helped Lia Thomas become the first man to win the NCAA women’s 500m freestyle, helped Caitlyn Jenner become Glamour Magazine’s first male Woman of the Year, and now it can help your children become anything we want them to be!

So just like Luke Skywalker, Indiana Jones, James Bond, and the other heroes of your childhood, crack open a can of PIDD! (or pour a lukewarm glass of inner-city tap water) and let’s toast a future where men don’t have to stay that way.

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See Also: “See”, “Sea”, “C”, “Si”…

If I could have dinner with anyone

From any point in history

I would choose the guy who decided

How to spell the animal “Bee”.

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How About A Good Humbling?

I sorta hope the next disease

That brings the whole world to its knees

Can break the part of DNA’s lock

That makes “important” people talk.

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Is Giving Them The Finger Still Rude If They’re Missing One?

A bunch of years ago we said

“Hey King, screw your royal head”

And dumped a hunch of tea into

A bay to say “Bugger off to you.”

Now I think that united spirit

Should say to those who care to hear it

“You’re free to use 2:00 AM fireworks

“But if you do you’re also jerks.”

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One Peaceful Day In The Country

Tonight we celebrate the fact

That those who bought the fireworks

Are saving them for tomorrow’s main act

And thus are not going “boom“ like jerks.

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U.S.A

If you use words like “Erudite”,

“Perspicacious”, or “Inscrutable”

In Connecticut you’re charming

But in Florida you’re shootable.

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Megachurches Be Like…

Here is the church,

There is the steeple.

Open the doors

And see all the people

Saying “Look at that steeple!

“What a dope church!

“Now let’s get some coffee

“And buy Jesus merch!”

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Maybe Poverty Is Good?

A week ago five billionaires

Paid half a million each

To sink into the ocean

To within Titanic‘s reach.

Today, a billionaire put up

For sale a chance to fly

Into space, which makes my face

Nonverbally scream “Why?”

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Peace Talks

Bumblebee, bumblebee, why do you fly

When life would be better

If you would just die?

Human, human, why do you hate

When you eat the plants

That we bees pollenate?

Bumblebee, bumblebee, sure you’re ok

In a creepy bumbley

Bug sort of way.

Human, human, we’re both Earth’s daughter

Wait, why do your hands

Hold aloft that fly swatter?

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JJ Abrams Does Shakespeare

Whereupon the stymied patisserie

So quotidien in its avarice

Did lament the paternal accessorie

Whom were betwixt its effervescence

So flattering were its satellites

In the corona of solarium

That I could end this poem

Without rhyming.

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