When I win a Nobel prize
For literature someday
And it comes time for me to speak
I know just what I’ll say:
I’ll thank my one Y chromosome,
And the reason that I’m citing
Is if I’d been born with boobs
I’d have never started writing.
Tag Archives: Truth
Legalize Normalcy
If you call yourself a poet
You’re judged by your degrees,
The person who you voted for,
How often you hug trees,
Whether you can rhyme things
Or use semicolons right
And, most important, whether
You have a penis or are white.
I am not a poet,
Though to you that’s no surprise.
I’d rather sleep in Saturday
Than watch the sun arise.
I do not care for wheelbarrows
On which so much depends.
I’m one of the mere commoners
Whom nobody defends.
I write, not for an audience,
But for the ones like me
Who want to dance the rain away
And feel completely free
But have to read a book about
What things are right to say,
Waiting to dance in private
Once the poets go away.
I feel like a geode,
Full of color, trapped in stone,
But thanks to anonymity
I needn’t be alone.
I can be with all of you
And hold you in my heart
By failing to see beauty
In what poets call their art.
Filed under Poems
For Everything There Is A Season
Some people say I’m not funny.
Some people say I’m just dumb,
But for years a grammatically-incorrect cat who wanted a cheeseburger was the funniest thing on Earth
So I figure my time will come.
Filed under Poems
What Do Hipsters And The Government Have In Common?
I found out a shortcut
Whose power I tap
To see if a thing
Is worthwhile or crap:
I ask normal people
“Do you prefer A or B?”
Then they say “Both are good”
And I settle on C.
Filed under Poems
Never Doubt Your Business Ideas Again
Somebody once thought
We should take the white things chickens poop
And break them in a pan
Over a fire
Until they’re still damp
But also really warm
Then cover them in fermented milk
And dehydrated seawater
And fill them with vegetables no one likes
And sell them to husbands for $18
To appease their sexually frustrated wives
And call it brunch.
Filed under Poems
And Your 2021 Nobel Peace Prize Nominee Is…
Today I did nothing
And it was amazing!
I sat on my butt and was still.
I looked into space
And thought about eating
But lacked all the required will.
I noticed the clock
As the hours ticked by
And almost did something by caring
But I fought the urge
And then happily lapsed
Back to stillness and vacantly staring.
Filed under Poems
Great Minds Think Alike, But Fools Seldom Differ
The best thing about 8 billion people
Is, at least according to me,
That no matter what weird opinion you have
At least one other guy will agree.
The worst thing about 8 billion people
Is, also according to moi,
That a bunch of the rich and the stupid ones
Agree their opinions are law.
Filed under Poems
It All Makes Sense Now…
Doctors say lots of children
Have ADHD
And would sit all day long
Just to watch some TV
But instead they must go
To be receive state education
In a room full of bullies
And other frustration.
We do this to children
Because they must learn
About how they can focus
Until they adjourn
As good reborn children
Instead of mere scamps,
Thus why schools should be called
“Concentration camps.”
Filed under Poems
What About The Roads Though?
In the past twelve months, America
Printed twice as much money
As every American Billionaire combined,
Which is twenty percent
Of all dollars ever spent
Since 1835.
That money could pay off
All American credit card debt
AND all American student loan debt
Twice.
And so I ask:
Why do we need taxes again?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 