Sometimes we go shopping
Because we have needs
Like cardamom, five-spice,
And sunflower seeds,
A packet of seaweed
And kale-chips-ahoy!
Perhaps we might splurge
For a mint-in-box toy.
When we feel spendy
Perhaps we will pounce
On a bottle of wine
That we cannot pronounce
And then at the end
We’ll return home again
And eat yesterday’s ramen
Because we are men.
Filed under Poems
My friend says it’s stressful
Trying to stay on track,
Keeping up with work and play
And texting everyone back…
And here I am, still in bed
At 2:35,
Unemployed, without friends,
Feeling happy to be alive!
Filed under Poems
I was born in Colorado,
Learned my talkin’ in Kentucky,
Grew up in Northwest Washington
Which, although American, is Canucky.
Now a man who makes a living
Rhyming mediocre comedy
I lie in bed listening to the sounds
Of patriotic hymns from Ireland.
My heart’s in Limerick,
My mind’s in Dublin,
My eyes see Antrims and see Galways!
I am in a kilt
(Yes, I know that’s Scotland)
And I’ll praise green, white, and orange for always!
Then the youtube algorithm
Plays me “God Defend New Zealand”
And the Maori spirit rips the kilt away
And I walk with hobbits in the free land!
Misty mountains, patriotic,
Connect two hemispheres within me…
That’s until I hear the opening chords
Of the Russian anthem start to win me.
Now Haggis, Borscht, Poutine, and Kiwis
Are all chicken-fried in my spirit
And I only wish that the Star-Spangled Banner
Were a song that made me want to hear it.
Filed under Poems
If this were a job
It might get me fired
But this poem’s crap
‘Cause it’s late and I’m tired.
Filed under Poems
Little ball of plastic
I hit into a hole:
It takes me many tries
To once achieve my goal.
I then repeat the process
Seventeen more times.
This sport is very stupid
But hey, the poem rhymes!
Filed under Poems
If I had a potato chip
For every theory that made sense
I’d have a much larger stomach
And not a lot of evidence…
Filed under Poems
He’s got a triple-axle
Turbo-powered 4×4
With a 12-liter v-20
And a carbon-fiber door.
It goes zero-to-sixty
In 1.72
And has a TV in the hood,
But me… My car is blue!
Filed under Poems
She was meretricious
And he was five-foot-two
And yet somehow between them
Amorous feelings grew.
He thought she was a goddess
And she thought he was funny.
So go the lives of 4’s and 5’s
When they have boobs or money.
Filed under Poems
Deep below, the hipster slugs
Are killing worms and taking drugs
And handing out free slimy hugs
And chanting “Slug Lives Matter.”
High above, against the odds,
Someone applauds the gastropods
And, thinking they are modern gods,
Eat escargot and grow fatter.
Filed under Poems
I really hope for chaos’ sake
That the cure for Covid be
The presence of police
Because, well, blessed irony!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 