If you advertise a place
For a Weight Watchers meet and greet
But it’s not an officially-branded event
Is that an imitation pork meet?
Tag Archives: Vegans
Nature’s Chosen
Once in every generation
There is born a chosen one
Who eats their veggie burger
Wrapped in lettuce in lieu of a bun
Then drinks a pint of water
That they brought from their house
Because unfiltered tap water has chemicals
And plastic bottles they don’t espouse.
If you are of the lucky few
Who meet this special soul
It is your sacred duty
And your most important role
To take this person to your home
And shoot them in the head
So we can stop this “special” nonsense
And just eat our meat instead.
Filed under Poems
Circumstances Change… Viewpoints May Not
I’m out of the sticks now
And wifi is back.
Dear vegans: I’m sorry
For my former attack.
From henceforth I promise
To not mock you any more
Than I mock anyone else
Who says “Tofu? J’adore!”
Filed under Poems
When You’ve Only Written Crappy Four-Line Poems For A Week But You’re Still Not Inspired…
Vegans are the greatest photographers
The world has ever seen
Because instead of saying “Cheese”
They say “Emulsified Pea Protein.”
Filed under Poems
Another Once-Great Species Ruined
There once was an African lion
Who was handsome and noble and clever.
He wanted his head to be put on a wall
So he could be admired forever.
Alas, some American vegans
Made a law that to hunt him was banned
So know he stays home in the evenings
And watches MGM films on demand.
Filed under Poems
Yours Truly Goes To A Restaurant
Whether you like mozzarella
Or “anything, as long as its yella”
If you say thank-a-you and please
Then come on down and have some cheese!
We’ve got cheese from cows and goats,
From naked sheep and sheep with coats,
From pigs and deer and even moles.
How much? Bowls and bowls and bowls!
It tastes like heaven. You can check!
It makes the hairs stand on your neck.
And if you melt it… oh, where to begin!
Oh, wait, sorry… you’re vegan…
Filed under Poems
[Insert Fish Pun Here]
Give a man a fish,
You’ll feed him for a day
Unless that man’s a vegan
In which case his death’s okay.
But teach a man to fish
(Be him Vegan or otherwise)
And if he gets married he’ll be grateful
And he’ll think you very wise.
Filed under Poems
Vegan Conspiracies
They make blueberry, strawberry,
Blackberry jam,
But not jam out of chicken,
Venison, spam.
Why do we make paste
Out of fruits and such
But not dead animals?
Suspicious much?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 