Once upon a time
In a land of myth and ballad
Someone mixed a lot of plants
And called the result a salad.
Later, in Minnesota
Someone mixed mayonnaise
With literally anything at all
And said “Salad happens in many ways.”
Category Archives: Poems
Seriously… It’s On I-5 Exit 135. Now THAT Is Optimism
No matter how bad a day you had
You’re not as bad off as the guy
Who made an SOS out of rocks beneath the overpass
In case a savior might fly by.
Filed under Poems
Tonight, Luigi Prevailed. Tomorrow, I Have No Friends
Apparently I’m talented
At playing rhythm games.
I can bop and press in time
And kick butt and take names.
If I were a younger soul
Perhaps I’d be a drummer
But instead I’m relegated to
Being a B-List plumber.
Filed under Poems
I Just Wanted To Rhyme Things… Don’t Overthink It
If I had a baby shark
I’d never need an exclamation mark.
If I had a baby llama
I’d never use another comma.
If I had pets that numbered myriads
I would be all done with periods.
Alas, my only pet’s a cat
So there! I’m done, and that was that.
Filed under Poems
Realistic Fitness Goals
I went back to the gym today,
Got my badge, and paid my way
So I can flex my body parts
That got flabby ‘cause I do arts.
I will go at least once more
‘Cause I paid for months-comma-four.
I’ll get my Summer body, y’all
Just in time for the start of Fall!
Filed under Poems
Win-Win
If I could pick an animal
To switch bodies for a day
I think I’d pick a rattlesnake
Because I’d like to say
I gave the snake a chance to feel
What having limbs is like,
And as a bonus shake my ass
Before I rear and strike!
I’d like to be a rattlesnake
But more importantly
When I get my body back
People’d no longer mess with me.
Filed under Poems
Philosophy 101
Whatever you’ve heard, forget it!
Whatever you know, you don’t.
Everyone thinks they are brainy
But most of their brains grown’t.
Ignorance is epidemic.
No knowledge or sense can be common.
Now pay your tuition and fill out this form
And go back to your dorm and eat ramen.
Filed under Poems
Modern Conveniences
While I’m on the road
I shop for ammo online.
Times aren’t all that bad!
Filed under Poems
Five Most Powerful Natural Disasters (Number Two Will Shock You)
He had wavy golden locks
That fell upon her shoulders
As he held her close with one arm
While the other parried boulders.
Behind them, a volcano
Spat hellfire in the air
But the hottest thing nearby was still
His chest, sweaty and bare.
An earthquake shook the lovers.
A tsunami got them wet,
But nature had no fury
To match their passion yet.
Then a tiny spider crawled
Across her silky bosom
Which quickly quelled the ardor
Of the trashy novel twosome.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 