Before the phrase “More Cowbell”
Took the world by storm
Egyptians had a fever
And only could stay warm
By making a great replica
Of the instrument they’d dangle;
And they shouted in Egyptian
“I need some more triangle!”
Category Archives: Poems
It’s Not In Their Nature
If you toss a baby bird in water
It will probably die.
If you toss a fish from a nest
It will not learn to fly.
If you’re nice to someone rude
They’ll likely stay a jerk,
Yet the government employs people
And thinks that they will work?
Filed under Poems
It Rubs Me The Wrong Way, You Know?
Some people fear that God fellow.
Some people fear that Devil guy.
I fear the one who actually prefers
The toilet paper with just one ply.
Filed under Poems
Sir Alec Guinness, Ladies and Gents
There once was a guy named Obi
Whose surname was, weirdly, Kenobi.
Then this kid came along…
“Do you know Obi-Wan?”
And he was like “Of course I know me!”
—————————————————————
There once was a trooper, unnamed,
Who sought droids with data untamed,
But Obi’s like “Pu-lease!
“You ain’t looking for these.”
Only later trooper thought “I got gamed.”
—————————————————————
There one was a giant black guy
Who had a death star in the sky.
Obi met him one day
And was like “Ani! Hey!”
And then Obi-Wan’s like, “Guess I’ll die.”
Filed under Poems
Hence, The Dictionary
When you really think about it
All language came about
Because some caveman somewhere
Thought “Maybe I should shout
“A bunch of random nonsense,”
And someone from out of town
Thought “That would make a boring book;
“I’d better write it down!”
Filed under Poems
Remembering Amy
It doesn’t feel like a weight
But absence of a lightness;
Hours of Summer all around
And still the day lacks brightness.
A patch of graying sunlight shines
Where once there sat a friend;
I smile at it with broken lips,
And think about her end.
Scratches on the furniture
Once hidden I reveal;
I empty out the litterbox
And her uneaten meal.
I stand beside her scratching post
Without the words to say
The thanks, the pain, the memories,
And so instead I pray.
It doesn’t feel like relief
When I can breathe once more;
It isn’t warm when sunlight gray
Turns orange just like before.
But as a friend who made me smile
Returns to dust again
Her spirit naps within me
As it always has. Amen.
Filed under Poems
When You Pull On A Hangnail It Starts Bleeding
“Sometimes it feels
Like I am the undead,
A decaying body
Kept alive by a head
That is absent of thoughts,
Knowing nothing but pain
Until I can feast
On a life once again.
Some people despise me
For they think I’m a devil,
Depraved, dirty, lesser,
And not on their level.”
The doctor just smiled
And he asked me again:
“How much does it hurt,
From a 1 to a 10?”
Filed under Poems
Still Cheaper Than Student Loan Forgiveness
Somebody ought to make a theme park
Inspired by loneliness
And they only let one person in at a time,
And that one guest
Who feels sad and miserable and alone
Gets to ride roller coasters
And skip all the lines
And there’s no trash or noise
Or dirty screaming little kids
And everyone is happy.
And other lonely people come
And they ride the roller coasters too
But they have to wait
And they’re hungry and tired
And everyone is miserable
And then they all leave
And the first guest feels good again
Because they appreciate how nice it is to be alone.
Then we repeat the process 7.5 billion times
And we have world peace.
Filed under Poems
Thus, Sportsball and Gender Studies Scholarships
Super smart students
Have to pay tons of cash
To take college classes
That mostly are trash.
Super good athletes
Can study for free
And despite low grades get
The exact same degree.
The reason for this
Is confusing to some,
And I’m here to explain
Why it isn’t that dumb…
The purpose of college
I will hereby state:
“To see how much BS
“One can tolerate.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 