My wife starts conversations
By saying, “Hey there honey!”
My son starts conversations
By saying, “I need money.”
But no one beats my daughter
Who starts to talk to me
With, “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said!
“I hate you! OMG!”
Category Archives: Poems
When You Stretch For The Pun And Hurt Yourself
I want what a former president may do
Were he a bird who saw a speck
‘Cause I don’t like the words “and a.”
I want a Bush’ll peck.
Filed under Poems
The Dream MLK Forgot
She showed a sign and shouted
And got up in our faces
Telling us about how white folks
Are the worst of all the races.
The way her spittle spattered
Was a most impressive sight,
My first and last impression
Of a peaceful Portland night.
Filed under Poems
If People Are Pissed About Masks…
I really hope for chaos’ sake
That the cure for Covid be
The presence of police
Because, well, blessed irony!
Filed under Poems
Extinction, Past and Future
I used to be a Dodo bird
But then I went extinct.
I came back as a Quagga
And then a Cape Verde Great Skink.
I’ve been a Passenger Pigeon
And even a Lesser Bilby.
I’ve yet to be a 5’11 male human
But soon, I fear, I will be…
Filed under Poems
Something To Look Forward To
Until we meet my bed is made,
My shirts are pressed, my bills are paid,
My car is washed, as is my hair
Because you might be anywhere.
Until we meet I’ll laugh and smile.
I’ll be polite and dress in style.
I’ll tip well and I’ll laugh a lot
And hope that your eye will be caught.
Until we meet I’ll be a saint,
Speak properly and not say “ain’t,”
And when you’ve sworn off other men
Then I can be a dick again!
Filed under Poems
When A Cackle Goes Too Far…
James Bond was trapped,
Tied up and surrounded,
And here’s what the villain
That James Bond had found did:
He said, “Mr. Bond,
“I expect you to die.”
Then he started to laugh
And eventually cry
Until he heaved silently,
Occasionally snorting,
So deeply amused
By his cliched retorting.
Twelve minutes later
The laughter abated
And the villain said, “Thanks,”
And he no longer hated.
The goons untied Bond
And he left there okay,
And they say Bond and Baddie
Are friends to this day.
Filed under Poems
Southern Love
Somewhere there’s a purple bear
Who cries itself to sleep.
The cubs call him “The purple one
“Who, when he’s sleepy, weeps.”
I want to find that purple bear
Upon one lonely night
And give him stuffed Teddy Roosevelt
And say, “It’ll be alright.”
The purple bear will thank me
As he dries his tears away
And hug the small plush human
And know that he’s okay.
I want to pat that little bear
Upon his purple head,
But I’m also scared he’ll maul me
So I’m hunting him instead.
Filed under Poems
Manly Sea Captain Poems
I was a pirate cap’n
A’sail upon the sea
And I’d laugh at the other ships
When they would try to flee.
I’d sail up behind ’em
And though they might protest
I’d grab ’em by the booty
At my cap’nly behest!
——————————————————–
When your captain is a man
“Land ho!” is often said.
When your captain isn’t
They shout “Land, hoe!” Instead.
——————————————————–
When I became a captain
I quit being a virgin
Thanks to an encounter
That I had with a sturgeon!
Filed under Poems
I Want A Woman Who Respects Anatomical Vocabulary Decisions
I have a stomach summit,
An abdominal alley,
A gut gulch, a paunch pouch,
A beneath-the-vest valley,
A digester dugout,
A taut torso trench,
But she said “Belly-Button”
So I dumped the wench.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 