Category Archives: Poems

Think About The Bulimic Market Though!

First they made potatoes,

Then they made potato chips

Which were the same but thinner

And were prone to chap one’s lips.

Then they thought, “What if we

“Made these taste like spoiled fruit?”

Thus born was “Salt and Vinegar,”

And thus rose the chip’s repute.

“That went well,” the people said

And so they made new flavors

Like “Sour Cream and Onion”

And “Tasteless” (For the savers).

They made the chips organic,

They made them hot and cold,

They covered them in who-knows-what,

And still, somehow, they sold,

But you now dare to tell me

That my product is a waste?

Who wouldn’t want to purchase chips

Called “Orange Juice and Toothpaste?”

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Also, Life Is Better With Endless 8-Bit Russian Folk Music

In life, as in Tetris

Failure is guaranteed.

The longer you’ve been playing

The higher is your speed.

You choose where to place the blocks

That you’ve no strength to bend.

Your only goal’s to stay alive

Until the very end.

To play the lowest levels

Is a way to work off stress

But you’ll find when all is over

The rewards are much, much less.

You’ll win by staying focused;

You’ll lose if you get shot.

If you choose to try again

It may get worse… or not.

When you’re done the lowest scores

Are gone without a trace,

But for the few who managed to

Put everything in place

You’ll enter your initials

To claim your high score’s stake

And if you do not enter “ASS”

You’ve made a huge mistake.

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2021

Deep below, the hipster slugs

Are killing worms and taking drugs

And handing out free slimy hugs

And chanting “Slug Lives Matter.”

High above, against the odds,

Someone applauds the gastropods

And, thinking they are modern gods,

Eat escargot and grow fatter.

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Conversation Openers

My wife starts conversations

By saying, “Hey there honey!”

My son starts conversations

By saying, “I need money.”

But no one beats my daughter

Who starts to talk to me

With, “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said!

“I hate you! OMG!”

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When You Stretch For The Pun And Hurt Yourself

I want what a former president may do

Were he a bird who saw a speck

‘Cause I don’t like the words “and a.”

I want a Bush’ll peck.

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The Dream MLK Forgot

She showed a sign and shouted

And got up in our faces

Telling us about how white folks

Are the worst of all the races.

The way her spittle spattered

Was a most impressive sight,

My first and last impression

Of a peaceful Portland night.

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If People Are Pissed About Masks…

I really hope for chaos’ sake

That the cure for Covid be

The presence of police

Because, well, blessed irony!

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Extinction, Past and Future

I used to be a Dodo bird

But then I went extinct.

I came back as a Quagga

And then a Cape Verde Great Skink.

I’ve been a Passenger Pigeon

And even a Lesser Bilby.

I’ve yet to be a 5’11 male human

But soon, I fear, I will be…

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Something To Look Forward To

Until we meet my bed is made,

My shirts are pressed, my bills are paid,

My car is washed, as is my hair

Because you might be anywhere.

Until we meet I’ll laugh and smile.

I’ll be polite and dress in style.

I’ll tip well and I’ll laugh a lot

And hope that your eye will be caught.

Until we meet I’ll be a saint,

Speak properly and not say “ain’t,”

And when you’ve sworn off other men

Then I can be a dick again!

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When A Cackle Goes Too Far…

James Bond was trapped,

Tied up and surrounded,

And here’s what the villain

That James Bond had found did:

He said, “Mr. Bond,

“I expect you to die.”

Then he started to laugh

And eventually cry

Until he heaved silently,

Occasionally snorting,

So deeply amused

By his cliched retorting.

Twelve minutes later

The laughter abated

And the villain said, “Thanks,”

And he no longer hated.

The goons untied Bond

And he left there okay,

And they say Bond and Baddie

Are friends to this day.

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