This evening I’m in a way
Where I feel I must say
That I feel my condition
Is quite laodicean
And thus I call it a day.
Category Archives: Poems
Klingon Humor
“chay’ leghlaHbe’wI’ chaDo’maq SoH?”
tlhob HoD picard.
wo’rIv, jatlh “ghoS nude bIQ’a’ HeH’e’
“‘ej ‘e’ ‘oH let DaqaSmoHbej.”
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“How do you spot a blind man?”
Asked Captain Picard.
Worf said, “Go to a nude beach
“And you’ll see that it’s not hard.”
Filed under Poems
Plot Twist: They’re Canadian
My ducks were quacking noisily,
Apparently upset.
That’s as close to “In a row”
As my ducks ever get.
Filed under Poems
Millennial Regrets
I used a plastic straw
At one point in my life
Which means I’ll never have a job,
A home, a car, a wife.
I’ll die reviled and alone
And someone will steal my kidney.
I only hope enough turtles live
To guide Marlin to Nemo in Sydney.
Filed under Poems
Mother’s Always Right
My mother told me
“You know you’ve hit rock bottom
“When you spank statues.”
Filed under Poems
To A Little Star
When I look into your eyes
I see past the grand disguise,
Past the diamonds and the dress
And paint to cover up the stress,
Past your ever-graceful way
Maintained despite a grueling day.
In your eyes, so dark and still,
I see you as no camera will.
In your eyes I see, unhidden,
Slippers, sweatpants, and a kitten.
Twinkle brightly little star
For those who see you as you are.
Filed under Poems
Party Like You Forgot To Take Your Meds And The Voices Are Coming Back!
Everyone is happy.
Everyone is having fun
Until the quiet loner guy
Pulls out his loaded gun.
Everyone is joyful.
Everyone joins in the dance
‘Til that one guy from accounting
Pulls a K-bar from his pants.
It’s at that point the happiness
On that crowded dancing floor
Gives way to massive panic
And a stampede for the door.
Now K-bar guy is happy
As is Steve (He’s got the gun)
Because the flat is empty now
And the small talk is all done.
Filed under Poems
The Patriarch’s Lament
Fellow men, we gaze upon
A rather dismal breaking dawn,
The starting of a pinkish hour
Where sticks and stones have lost their power,
Where words can harm and looks can kill
And love is just “Netflix and Chill.”
Her lips that once you moved to kiss
Now move to bear you false witness.
That bed you’ve long longed to be in
Belongs to the procrustean.
The Goddess idol whom you praised
Commands her temple to be razed.
The deed is done, the seed is sown:
Take comfort in the silicone!
Filed under Poems
When You’re 25 and She’s 26…
Here I am, a little boy.
How strongly my heart beats
Gazing on an elder swan
Praying time repeats,
For how can I grow ever older
As the world grows ever colder
Knowing my arms will never enfold her,
And facing only defeats?
Here I am, a tiny man
Seeing into the past
A lady, once in a lifetime
Traveling ever too fast.
Many a princess has been misled
Into kissing a frog, but not when it’s dead
And I, but a tadpole, just watched as she fled
And I wish my heart might beat its last
For how can you live with a soul
Guaranteed to miss half of its whole,
Being born in a land whose cruel history planned
To demand from your hand unfair toll?
For a frog may love flying,
But know only a leap, imitation.
So I, left unborn in the past
See my love through a like limitation,
With a heart never freed
From perpetual need
Knowing she’ll never read
This most pitiful seed
That someday just might grow
To a tree that might show
Just how far I would go
So that maybe she’d know
Here I am!
Here I am!
Here I go!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 