I got tired of seeing ads
For beer and women’s shoes
So I installed an ad blocker
‘Cause what did I have to lose?
Soon my girlfriend Yui called
Saying, “Dave, you’re such a bore!”
I guess it’s my fault hot asians
Don’t want to date me anymore…
Category Archives: Poems
I’m Getting Stepsistery In My Old Age
Cinderella is the tale
Of a peasant girl named Ella
Who, by being the only nice girl in the world,
Snares the heart of her fella.
Some say we’d all be Cinderella
If the world were entirely jerks
Yet I haven’t met many princesses
So I don’t think that’s how the world works.
Filed under Poems
Normalcy Is Discouraged
If a thing is worth the work
Required to do it well
Then it is also worth the time
To be lousy as Hell.
If you hunt and fight and sing
And miss and lose and cry
You’ve far surpassed the many
Who were too afraid to try.
The losers of the universe
Die proudly in the sand,
Pleased to bear their battle scars
With dirt upon their hand.
There are no failures in the world
Of doing what’s worthwhile,
For both the best and all the rest
Have earned the right to smile.
Filed under Poems
Never Discuss A Desire To Expand One’s Vocabulary With A Maternal Figure When Poor…
Fate, ye tempting mountebank,
Whether spurious or not,
Can prove to be, to our free will,
A specious asymptote.
Atropos, supercilious,
Cuts our time; We must defer.
My mom paid me a dollar
To write this poem, so blame her.
Filed under Poems
Yes, The Rhyme Is Valid… No, 9:00 and 9 Aren’t The Same
Today I slept in until 9:00
And felt amazingly fine.
Tomorrow, alas,
All good things must pass
For I must wake at 8:59
Filed under Poems
Trials of an Amateur Magician
Massachusetts, 1692:
They say a woman joked
Telling her husband, “I got your nose!”
Within an hour the fire was stoked…
Filed under Poems
The Individual
I’ve heard you call me lazy,
Saying I get nothing done,
That I’m pale as a potato
‘Cause I’m never in the sun,
That I show up late for everything
And don’t talk very much
And I try to be romantic
But I just seem out of touch.
What I haven’t heard you saying
Is how still my mind can be
And softly sitting in the dark
I’m happy as can be,
That I fight to leave the comfort
That being lonely can afford
And how loving normal people
Often tends to make me bored.
You talk about the negatives
I often demonstrate.
I admit, of course, I do them
But I do them without hate.
I’m a champion of stillness
And a friend to every stress
And what you call “being nobody”
Is what I call success.
Filed under Poems
Fairy Yales
Once upon a time
There was a tiny little rock
Who was the world’s preeminent scholar
On the early works of Bach.
The little rock was erudite
Yet its career went South
On account of probably white people
And, also, its lack of mouth.
——————————————————–
Once upon a time
A woman majored in STEM
And made millions teaching women
The ways that men were bad to them.
She could have been an engineer
And done science and stuff
But instead she told the patriarchs
She wasn’t paid enough.
Filed under Poems
And You Thought No One Would Ever Love You!
I close my eyes, remembering
The day we almost met.
You were taking Cynthia
(Your puppy) to the vet.
You were glowing beautifully,
A tear drop in your eye,
And I was in my plain white van,
My third time driving by.
I almost parked, almost went in,
Almost told you my name
But I kept on making four right turns
And keeping things the same.
Sometimes I close my eyes and think
Of how we might have been
But it’s best for both of us if I,
For now, remain unseen.
Filed under Poems
New Study Shows Women Are “Marrying Down…”
My car may have it’s share of dings,
I may not buy you fancy things,
I might forget your name a lot,
I might comment “Your mom is hot,”
I might not read your favorite book,
I’ll seldom clean and never cook,
But if you become my wife
You can wear sweat pants for the rest of your life!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 