How terribly toxic it seems to me
That it must be to be a “he,”
And yet, for reasons I can’t see,
A he is what I wish to be.
Category Archives: Poems
The American Way
You haven’t thought of pickles today
And you haven’t jumped a rope.
You haven’t kissed an armadillo
And you’ll never be the pope.
Your eyes aren’t orange like cinnamon
And you have a tooth smaller than your knee,
But if we voted for a different guy
You’ll probably disagree.
Filed under Poems
How To Politely Decline An Invitation To Dinner
Some people like chicken,
Some people like pork,
Some people like tofu
Impaled on their fork.
Some people like rabbit,
Some people like goat,
But no one likes you
And that’s all she wrote.
Filed under Poems
Oh Yeah, I Went There
Life gave one guy lemons
And life gave the next guy a kid.
The first guy made some lemonade.
You don’t wanna know what the second guy did…
Filed under Poems
5:00 AM, The Homes Of Single Women Everywhere
Bloodshot are her yellow eyes,
Pearly white her claws,
And you have been found guilty
Of not following her laws.
She deigns to shake her golden mane
Before she makes you dead,
The only just denouement
For leaving the cat unfed.
Filed under Poems
When You’ve Only Written Crappy Four-Line Poems For A Week But You’re Still Not Inspired…
Vegans are the greatest photographers
The world has ever seen
Because instead of saying “Cheese”
They say “Emulsified Pea Protein.”
Filed under Poems
I’m Just Gonna Let This Hang Here…
Swords have cross-guards,
Hammers have heads,
And NFL cornerbacks
Often have dreads.
Movies have releases
And novels have printin’s,
But why can’t Taylor Swift
Have some dirt on the Clintons?
Filed under Poems
…And Now It All Makes Glorious Sense
Of glorious, glorious, glorious cheese
I sing a glorious story
About how glorious you are,
You cheese so full of glory.
Glorious, glorious, glorious cheese,
You’re glorious, it’s true!
I couldn’t afford a thesaurus
Because I bought too much of you.
Filed under Poems
He Later Worked For The VA
Sitting in the waiting room,
A boy of almost eight,
Who’s never missed a chance to floss,
Nor abided sugar on his plate.
The scream of dental instruments
(And of those on which they’re used)
Leave me with a sense of peace,
Sedate and much amused.
I wore a three-piece suit to school
The morning ‘fore I came.
I was born to be a dentist
Though the others call me lame.
Yet I fear I shall not meet my dream,
Not for lack of smarts or drive
But because I am indifferent
To whether patients stay alive…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 