I ain’t no spring chicken
But neither am I old.
I’m a 40-year-old husband
Who writes exactly what I’m told.
Category Archives: Poems
Competitive
Jack said “I bet” I can hold
My breath longer than you.
We shook hands and I staked cash
Knowing it wasn’t true.
Then I inhaled and so did he
Our cheeks and chests puffed out
And we proceeded with not-breathing
With the hope of earning clout.
15 seconds later
We both were doing fine.
We both were getting tired
When we hit a minute nine.
The suffering really started
At a minute thirty-two
And when we hit two minutes
We both had turned quite blue.
Another 30 seconds
And another after that.
Even though my name is Dave I
Hallucinated I was Matt.
A minute then another
Then an hour, then a week…
Neither of us dared exhale.
Our lungs just wouldn’t leak.
And when the comet hit the Earth
And brought the end of days
Jack and I, two zombies,
Saw the error of our ways.
We held our breath for eons,
‘Til the East became the West.
In our undeath we’ll break the tie
By seeing who can piss the best.
Filed under Poems
Barely Illegal
Going twenty-eight in a twenty zone
While casting glances at his phone
With his lap belt fastened but not his shoulder
And an open bottle of water in the holder.
He drove on through a yellow light.
He flashed no signal but still turned right.
He’s of a group of scofflaws such
Who’ll break the law, but not by much.
Filed under Poems
The Italian Disagrees With Your Solid/Liquid Dichotomy of Glass Consumption
You a say a that a eating glass
Is a bad a for a you
And that a if you eat a glass
You’ll a have an uncomfortable poo,
Yet a here you go a giving me
A water you hole a da ass
Cause you give a me the water
And it’s a in a drinking glass.
Filed under Poems
Culinary Efficiency
I made a fancy dinner
Like they do in Paris, France.
Rose petals and caviar
To step up the romance,
A salad of arugula
(‘Cause kale’s so bourgeois)
And a soup of herbs and lamb compote
Which sounded good to moi,
An entree of duck sauvignon,
A glass of chardonnay
(Which may match well, I sure don’t know
But neither do my guests, so it’s okay),
And all topped off with creme brulee
And fried ice cream served hot.
My only regret for the evening
Was putting them all in a single pot.
Filed under Poems
I Am Not Kin To Munches
They represent the lollipop guild
And they made sure I knew, the little F***ers.
They sang it so proudly, but I resisted the lure.
I know that it’s just a guild for suckers.
Filed under Poems
Pulitzer Bait
What in the sheltered blue of dawn
Was in the sunlight brown as fawn
Turned reddish bronze in ochre night
And yellow in the Summer’s flight.
The spectrum warranted by such
Invoked in hearts a feeling much
As was supposed in rumor and buzz
That no one knew just what it was.
Opaqueness faded into clear
As people gathered far and near
To gaze on the whatever thing
Until the spoken truth would ring.
Alas as stanzas came and went,
The verses writ and meter bent
It soon was clear that even I,
The poet, could not identify
Just what in sheltered blue of dawn
Would visably change as all looked on.
This ending fixed inside my head
I thought of a rhyme and went to bed.
Filed under Poems
Good Bye ‘Til Next Year, With Artificial Birds
Rubber chicken,
Plastic duck.
The year is over;
That’s just our luck.
Ceramic peacock,
Wooden goose.
Next year is nigh
So I must vamoose.
Filed under Poems
Last Time I Answer Spam…
I’m in a time vortex
In a failed experiment to get more sex.
Now I’m trapped in 2098 selling Goretex.
2017 could have gone better.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 