Category Archives: Poems

USA, November 2016

Roses are reds,

Violets are blue,

These are both valid points, and I’ll address them in a moment, but first…

But does anyone stop to comfort the violets in their sorrow? Even once?

No!

You know, depression is a chemical imbalance and has many dangerous side effects. But when it becomes a part of ones identity, as it has for the violets, it transcends its mortal debilitation and becomes a blight on the very soul.

When I’m elected, I’m going to make violets purple again! And not by adding rose colored glasses, no. Not by that. Who needs all the thorns roses bring anyway? No, I dream of a garden where honest, hardworking violets can grow bigly without the radical redness of roses!

In other words, f*** you roses.

Let’s Get Pruning ™

This poem brought to you by Goldman Sachs.

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Breakups Are Hard

Oh my darling, oh my darling,

Oh my darling Clementine.

You are lost and gone forever.

On second thought, that’s just fine.

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That or Football

I’ve got a hobby that’s really cool

That makes me feel like a man.

I like staring at my roof;

I am a ceiling fan.

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Give The Dog A Bone?

My town was in the news today

For a reason that isn’t nice.

A man was hired to kill another

Amidst a field of rice.

The way he committed the murder

Showed his creativity had no lack.

His weapon was a ceramic statue.

‘Twas a knick-knack paddy whack.

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On My Own Terms (The Cat Song)

You take me into your home.

You keep me inside and play with my hair.

You call me a pretty boy

Then you punish me. Baby, give me some air!

You say “call me master.”

I am your slave now.

But I’ll live on my own terms

And soon to me you’ll bow.

You thought you’d relax in the bathroom,

Have clean furniture and a new-house smell.

You forgot me in that equation.

Now I welcome you to nine lives in Hell.

You said “call me master.”

I just said “meow.”

But I’ll live on my own terms

So who’s the master now?

Now you call me master.

You’re little more than my serf.

Now you’ll live by my terms

Or get your ass off my turf!

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Robots of the Night

We’ve got robots to drive us,

To serve us, to vacuum,

To search the web, to save us

From our eventual fiery doom.

One robot no one’s thought of

That would really do a lot

Is a robot to replace the toilet paper roll.

Until then to the cupboard we’ll walk/squat.

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Love In The Time Of #YesAllWomen

He offers a sideways glance.

She says “I have a boyfriend.”

Because of the the few, so many

Potential friendships this way end.

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Wanna Play?

I’ve invented a new sport.

Its much like soccer

Except instead of a ball

You carry around

A rich guy on a couch

Who just lies back to enjoy it all.

The couch player

Is very important

Because they direct their team.

I think I’ll name it

Monarchy Ball.

It’s more loved than it would logically seem.

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I’m Satisfied Though

Although I’m not clam-happy yet

I’m happy as an oyster.

It’s happinesd that’s mixed with tears-

Still happy, only moister.

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So, So Meta

I spent all evening in a hot tub

Until 11:15 tonight.

I’m writing this poem while wrinkly

Which, in my book, makes it alright.

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