I tried out for the baseball team
And struck out three times in a row.
Then I went to the bar for a bit
And struck out with somebody’s hoe.
I may not be a first baseman
Nor a lady’s man, but I won’t cry.
Sometimes the universe just has to say
“Why don’t you give bowling a try?”
Filed under Poems
This ten minute break
Isn’t long enough to write
More than a Haiku.
But I’m not an ass!
I’ll reward you with not one
Haiku, but with two!
Filed under Poems
Some people think that spending
Forty bucks a month or so
For exercising at a gym
Is just the way to go.
I think that cancelling the gym
Is the same as getting paid
Forty bucks a month to not
Work out. I’ve got it made!
Filed under Poems
Remember when we were in grade school
And the winner of every fight
Wasn’t the guy who said “I have infinity”
But “I have infinity plus one”, right?
Well yesterday my boss said “You’re fired”
And I said “No, I’m infinity fired plus one”
And now I’m on the board of directors
And also the president’s son!
Filed under Poems
I’m sitting in my dining room
Eating a pomegranate
While my wife paints a model horse
On this most peaceful planet.
As I bite into the sweet
And sour seeds, I mull:
Is this how happy zombies feel
When they bite that perfect skull?
Filed under Poems
One upside of weak, nerdy young people
Is that they’ll probably invent Mjolnir
But because they’re so weak, they can’t lift it
And thus we have nothing to fear.
Filed under Poems
There once was a criminal crew
Who knew precisely what to do.
They went on a heist
And their planning sufficed
And the film got an awful review.
Filed under Poems
They called me “french-fry fingers”
‘Cause I’m just that bad at bowling.
See, oil gets all over the ball
After it starts a rolling.
Then it hits the bowling pins
And knocks down one or two.
Emotionally salty, physically oily,
And that’s why. Comprenez-vous?
Filed under Poems
If a “house plant” is a thing
A “home tree” should be too,
As should a “duplex flower”
And “skyscraper bamboo.”
But perhaps my favorite combo
(The others are still great though)
Is either “Airbnb broccoli”
Or else “hovel tomato”.
It doesn’t require much talent to be famous.
There really is near nothing to it
As long as you don’t care what they name us
And don’t care if you need to live through it.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 