I asked how much it costs
To get one’s pubic region waxed.
They said “A Brazilian dollars,”
At which point I relaxed.
Jurass-is-Grass
The Tyrannosaurus Rex
Was stalking the jungle
And feeling incredibly violent
When, soundless and yellow,
Urine hit the fellow
For the Pterodactyl’s pee is silent.
Filed under Poems
The Dirty Mind Test
The colored leaves of Autumn
Were sweet, naïve, and tame
But all of that changed
When the leaf blower came…
They shuddered and whispered
And were blown like a flag,
Then they wiped themselves off
With the maple leaf rag.
Filed under Poems
Discover Why Mexicans Use Visa*
“Black guys play the black card.”
That’s how white people said it
Before they made the Master Card
And gave themselves the credit.
*This poem contains no mention of American Express because I couldn’t think of a good “Underground Railroad” joke, and also no one uses American Express.
Filed under Poems
Bob Dylan, Social Justice, and Math
Take the number of roads
A man must walk down
Before he can be called a man,
Then multiply that by negative 1
And you have the number of roads you need walk to be called trans.
Filed under Poems
When She Says “Don’t Kill The Spider… Just Take It Outside”
After the date, I told her
“I want to see you
“As often as I see
“Google search, page 2”
Words Hurt
I wonder if the guidance counselor
At Hitler’s Alma Mater
Told him to “Just be yourself”
And then regretted it later.
Filed under Poems
A Six-Figure Sense Of Humor
She offered me a sandwich
And I said “Thank you dear.”
She sighed and asked “What would you do
“If I were to disappear?”
I said “I’d eat steak every day
“And be left with much more money.”
She scowled, so I bought her jewelry
And now she thinks I’m funny.
Filed under Poems
Watching the Debates
What you need to know about ducks
Is not as important as the fact
That every day a million fish
Are, by some birds, attacked.
Those fish cannot defend themselves
Against these violent birds
And it’s time for us to take a stand
And learn to use our words.
When I held political office
In a non-avian related capacity
I realized that my constituents
Viewed me as a guy with some sagacity.
Because of that, I make my case
That fish deserve love too
So vote for me in 2020
And also ducks. Thank you!
Filed under Poems
Why Mufasa Has A Handkerchief
Simba’s nose was stuffy,
And that became an issue
When the only Kleenex he could find
Was, alas, Scar tissue.
Filed under Poems
