The air was warm and friendly,
The sun a gentle golden light,
And the dirt was easily shoveled
Upon the corpse of the guy who passed me on the right.
Tag Archives: Crime
Prelude To A November Incarceration
Today I donned my costume
Of civilization’s promiscuity
And the intolerable agony
Such laxness ought to bring.
Yes, amidst the evening’s gloom
It looks a bit like nudity.
And officer, I’ll answer yes,
It is a nipple ring.
Filed under Poems
Follow Your Heart
I heard that when uncertainty
About your future strikes
Examining what you avoid
Can lead you to your likes.
I tend to avoid everything
And like lying in bed
Writing jokes about the stuff
That’s running through my head.
I tend to avoid washing things,
Dishes and self included,
And consequently feel good
When I eat (get watered and fooded).
I like to be alone a lot.
I like the color orange.
I dislike thinking ahead
Which sometimes makes life hardyorange.
And so I have concluded
From my lifestyle and refinement
That I should pursue a career
In solitary confinement.
So if someone were so kind
As to frame me for a murder
I’d be grateful for all my life
And happy with my life’s direction-urder.
Filed under Poems
Give The Dog A Bone?
My town was in the news today
For a reason that isn’t nice.
A man was hired to kill another
Amidst a field of rice.
The way he committed the murder
Showed his creativity had no lack.
His weapon was a ceramic statue.
‘Twas a knick-knack paddy whack.
Filed under Poems
Small Dog, Big Mistake
I saw on my lawn, between the mounds
Of wood chips, a dog of 15 pounds.
It was white and fluffy and ugly as sin
And it was having its way with my newspaper bin.
So I snuck over and scooped him up.
Oh, you should have heard that pup!
He barked and wailed and growled and bit.
I knew no way to calm the…git
And so I took it to the pound
To hope the monster would be found.
The police met me at the door.
As I was cuffed, I asked “what for?”
I was arrested for my labors
For my lawn has no wood chips: ‘Twas my neighbor’s.
Filed under Poems
Public Spaces
Let me tell you
What I saw
While walking in the park:
A naked tree
And silent dog,
Both without their bark.
An ice cream truck
And teenagers,
Both trying to stay cool.
A screaming child
And litter,
Both unwanted in a pool.
The smell of grass
And pollen,
Both filling up my nose.
That girl I dumped
And no hiding place,
‘Cause that’s the way it goes.
A wad of dirt
And my own good arm,
My ex’s now-brown eyes.
Some flashing lights
And handcuffs
Makes me doubt my plan was wise.
A cop’s back seat,
Some iron bars,
A jury of my peers,
Now it’s just me
And “Chainsaw Ted”
For five to seven years.
Filed under Poems
Find What You Love and Get Paid For It
I used to be the leader
Of a bunch of nasty thugs
Who cut on people’s bodies
And sold a lot of drugs.
But now I’ve finally realized
That those things aren’t cool.
Now I’ll use my skills to prosper
At Harvard Medical School.
Filed under Poems
Networking for Psychos
I’m a fan of gatherings
Like a conference or a fest
Where people with shared interests
Can do what they do best.
I suggest a conference
For wannabe school shooters
Where they can get some practice.
Also welcome: thieves and looters.
Filed under Poems
Mercy and Reason
I can understand the fear
Of Muslims, guns, and thugs.
I see we people punish
Those who sell illegal drugs.
Despite my understanding,
I can’t support the death penalty
Unless you spoil “The Force Awakens,”
In which case it’s fine with me.
Filed under Poems
Crooks and Homophones
We were robbing a grocer.
I said “buy me some time.”
He went to the spices,
Then the express checkout line.
We landed in prison.
Our plans came unfurled.
Now all we’ve got left
Is all the thyme in the world.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 