Leo asked, “Would you like to eat African food?”
We voted, and most voted, “Yea.”
Having said yes, Leo said, “Then I guess
“You and Africans feel the same way.”
Tag Archives: food
But Honey… We Have Needs
Sometimes we go shopping
Because we have needs
Like cardamom, five-spice,
And sunflower seeds,
A packet of seaweed
And kale-chips-ahoy!
Perhaps we might splurge
For a mint-in-box toy.
When we feel spendy
Perhaps we will pounce
On a bottle of wine
That we cannot pronounce
And then at the end
We’ll return home again
And eat yesterday’s ramen
Because we are men.
Filed under Poems
The Soy-Bacon of Vice
This evening I realized,
While sitting in the sauna,
Some people make a living
By baking food with marijuana.
So if you are a baker
It does appear to me
You’re basically just selling weed
With a cheaper recipe…
Filed under Poems
🍆👸? 👎,ℹ️🌈!
I met a girl in cooking class
When I was seventeen.
She texted “Wanna have some fun?”
I asked “What do you mean?”
She sent me some emojis
Of an eggplant and a queen.
I replied “Thanks for the offer
“But I’m out of aubergine.”
Filed under Poems
Hoof You Been Talkin’ To?
I saw horses running
With humans on their backs.
I said, “Now there’s an animal
“We’ve not made into snacks.
“They’re gorgeous and majestic
“And possess a lightning speed,”
But the one kid eating glue
Silently disagreed.
Filed under Poems
How To Politely Decline An Invitation To Dinner
Some people like chicken,
Some people like pork,
Some people like tofu
Impaled on their fork.
Some people like rabbit,
Some people like goat,
But no one likes you
And that’s all she wrote.
Filed under Poems
Better Than A Polygraph
They say you can spot a killer
Or persons of criminal ilk
By offering them cocoa puffs.
(Run if they pour out the milk).
Filed under Poems
The Family Diner
I went to a family diner
I ordered a “family omelette”.
The menu wasn’t specific
So I waited to see what I’d get.
When they delivered the omelette
I found myself rather stricken
‘Cause what they called a “family omelette”
Was apparently just eggs and chicken.
The submenu options included
The “family omelette deluxe”
Which, inspired by Angelina Jolie,
Was chicken with eggs from some ducks.
The Conservative family omelette
Came with napkins that asked you to pray for it.
The Liberal family omelette
Was the same, but made someone else pay for it.
The feminist family omelette
Had no eggs and weighed 300 pounds.
The black family omelette had half as much chicken
‘Cause was no daddy chicken around.
The Japanese family omelette
Came with an unrealistic hairdo
And, upon looking closer, you’ll find
It has better SAT scores than you.
When I went to that family diner
I brought my future wife on a date.
I still visit on weekends and holidays
When I don’t have a lot on my plate.
Filed under Poems
A Historically Accurate Transcription Of Events Preceding The Invention Of The Microwave Oven
In 1920 some guy said
“A thought just poppethed into mine head.”
His peer responded “Tell me sir,
“What thought does cause thine brain to stir?”
Some guy then said, in a manner quite prickly,
“What if I had a box that heated food quickly?”
His peer replied “Your thought is bold,
“But how about heating the plate and leaving the food cold?”
Filed under Poems
What Do You Want For Dinner?
If there were a food
Whose taste was so divine
To eat it made you orgasm
In an instant forty times,
That not only set your loins alight
But set your heart afire,
A food so good it’s better than
Hearing Taylor Swift retire,
And that this oh-so-perfect food
Can be grown nearly for free,
Can be cooked in 19 seconds
And cures world hunger instantly,
Is the most positive thing in the universe,
Like -1 times the all-time worst
Your girlfriend would whine about it
If you suggested to eat it first.
Filed under Poems
