I put my burger in the microwave,
Turned it on, and walked away.
I heard a helicopter start
And bullets start to spray,
The Marines are hitting Normandy.
This is cooking uncontrolled!
I open the door to fetch my food
And find it nice and cold.
Tag Archives: food
When You Irradiate Your Meal For Five Minutes But Stop The Microwave With One Second Left So You Don’t Have To Hear The Beep
Filed under Poems
The North and the South
If you’re the type of fancy guy
Who calls pink things “magenta”
Then I can cook you up a bowl
Of “Fancy-Guy Polenta.”
But if you’re the type of guy
Who shoots and drinks and spits
I’ll fry it up for half the price
And call it “Good Ol’ Grits.”
Filed under Poems
Sarsaparilla Is Southern After All…
I opened a bottle of root beer
And smiled at the sweetness and fizz.
You probably don’t think that sounds racist
But I’m white, so it probably is.
Filed under Poems
Great Name, Slightly-Maggoty Flavor
If I were a fruit
I would be a dragonfruit
‘Cause no one eats those.
Filed under Poems
What Fruits The Idle Mind Hath Yielded This Morn
If birds ate at restaurants
I imagine KFC
Would be a lot more popular.
The reason might just be
That folks would eat at restaurants
Where birds would frequent less.
You might think that’s racist
But that’s my fairest guess.
Filed under Poems
Hint: Probably Someone In Florida
Who drove by a lemonade stand
And thought about it later
And decided, instead of lemons,
The -ade would be better with gators?
Filed under Poems
Maybe It Tasted Good A Few Years Ago?
I want a sandwich
With clams, beets, and garlic
Sprinkled with liver and thyme
Topped with two scoops
Of pistachio ice cream
And the zest of a two-week-old lime
All smeared on a loaf
Of gluten-free flatbread
Served on a hard rubber plate.
You get it when you order
A nice BLT.
I call it “The Internet Date.”
Filed under Poems
That Wasn’t Chicken…
My eyes were purple lightning
And lips were platinum knives.
My heart beat with a vigor
Like when rappers beat their wives.
I squeezed my hands like oranges
As my skin began to burn
And I knew to that Panda Express
I would not return.
Filed under Poems
What We Learned: Don’t End A Line With “Desserts”
Lemon flavored water,
Lemon cheesecake and desserts,
Lemon flavored pepper
Are a few examples of how, with lemons, society flirts.
The only lemon item
That people don’t enjoy
Are actual plain ol’ lemons.
(Also maybe lemon bok choy).
Filed under Poems
Dating Asian Women?
My girlfriend left me yesterday,
Just took her stuff and went,
Yet left behind a little gift
For her now former-gent.
She left a bottle of soy sauce,
My sorrows for to drown.
She just could not resist the urge
To Kikkoman when he’s down.
The Daily Travesty 