When a teacher is sick
They call in a sub
Who may or may not know the material.
I think all jobs
Should have similar deals
When they contract something bacterial.
If you get a cough
Or an ache or a wheeze
Your workplace will fet on a call
With some guy named “Jake”
Who comes to your desk
And proceeds to do no work at all.
I don’t want this deal
Because I slack off
Or because it will help anyone;
I want this because
If I could have any job
“Substitute you” would be pretty fun.
Filed under Poems
If you’re in need of a business idea
I have a suggestion for you:
An apartment complex for people who want
To live like 1992.
The rent will be $500 a month
And the internet’s 10 sites or so,
Your neighbors are friendly, their kids play outside,
And Roseanne’s your favorite show.
A black Friday toaster is 25 cents
And so is a Big Mac with fries
And you can get Cracker Jack from Cracker Barrel
And it comes with an actual prize!
Phones have a wire, movies are physical
And they need to be rewound.
Nostalgia is hot. Spending money is not.
Does not this idea seem sound?
Filed under Poems
Instead of arguing white vs. black,
Men vs. women, straights vs. gays,
Let’s just accept that we’re all kinda dumb
And move on with our kinda dumb days.
Filed under Poems
If you eat noodles with a knife
I bet you probably love your life.
If your best friend is a cat
Your probably satisfied with that.
If your name starts with a Z
You’re already cooler than me.
What makes you weird’s what makes you you
So unto your weird self be true.
Filed under Poems
Everyone in the world
Should get a chihuahua
From the government, totally free
Because when they all die
We’ll all understand
How much better life is when dog-free.
Filed under Poems
The nice thing about AI ads
Is that they’re poorly done
So I’ve no need to buy their stuff
And so declare we won.
Another proof of victory
Is that the CEOs shelled out
A lot of money for this tech
And thus without a doubt
Will double down on ineffective
Tools for advertising.
AI will bring a golden age
Of happily not buying!
Filed under Poems
I am a fearsome hunter
And have killed a hundred men
And yet I sleep in peace, filled with
Tranquility and zen
Because someday I hope I may
Catch some deity’s eye.
They’ll think I’m cute and house me
In their mansion in the sky,
They’ll feed me all I can consume
And rub my belly while
Saying “Who’s a good warrior?”
With a goofy voice and smile,
And let me come and go all day
Through a small transparent flap
Instead of being human
And putting up with all this crap.
Filed under Poems
Let me walk you through a moment
Of what I call “being me.”
Instead of streaming music
And paying a monthly fee
I plugged in my computer
From around 2008,
Pressed power on at 6:15
And it booted up by 8:00,
Loaded up my iTunes
From before it was an app
Then uploaded some files
That will make my right foot tap,
Plugged in my phone and synced it
For an hour and a half
Then enjoyed my music free of charge
With a joyful millennial laugh.
Filed under Poems
If instead of wearing masks
And going to school and work online
We had just put on some badass capes
The kids would all be fine.
Filed under Poems
“Revenge of the Sith” is the best-selling movie.
“Oblivion” is the most popular game
And I just hope the rest of this year
Keeps this week’s agenda the same.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 