I had a lovely afternoon
About which you’ll never hear
Because I’m saving the clever poems
For probably sometime next year.
Tag Archives: Holidays
Beats By Dreidel
Gentiles got foreskins, ya,
But my bros got candles nine.
We only got a day of oil
But there’s God, so we’ll be fine.
We can burn these candles y’all
For a dozen days or so
And all you got’s a baby
In a manger full of snow?
You get one day of giving gifts;
We’ve got a fortnight minus two
Plus no Mariah Carey
So come become a jew!
Filed under Poems
And With That, The Silence Ended
Tomorrow is Christmas eve
And today’s the 16th day of Chanukah.
I am six years old today
And you bought me a harmonica!
Filed under Poems
The Non-Holiday Season
‘Twas the night before Monday
And all through the nation
There were people in need
Of another vacation.
They’d worked all their lives
Forty hours or more,
Fighting tooth and nail
For a new higher score.
The cost of the score
Was not steep if you count
Sanity and free time
As a meager amount,
And so they awoke
To commute and check out
And that, my dear kids,
Is what work’s all about.
Filed under Poems
When You Ask Them To Say “Cheese” And They Say “Take The F***ing Picture Already”
A thin grin, a smile with guile,
A false upward turn of the lips:
Needless to say, if you know a way
To take good family photos, share tips!
Filed under Poems
It’s A Matter Of Efficiency, Really
Today is Easter, as you know.
It’s also April Fool’s Day.
I think those go together
As they celebrate the way
That Jesus was all dead and stuff
And then suddenly he wasn’t.
The two holidays make sense to me
Because the whole “not dead” thing doesn’t.
What also doesn’t make much sense
Is a question of this kind:
It’s that God sacrificed himself
To appease himself I mind.
Not only that, but if it’s true
That Jesus isn’t dead
Then why not find another way
To cure one’s Godly head?
It seems if you’re omnipotent
You could just say “hey folks,
“Get your shit together”
Instead of the “oops, not dead yet” jokes.
But I am just a human
And can’t be my own son
So I’ll just eat my chocolate eggs
And let His will be done.
Filed under Poems
Happy Memories and Family…ish
Snow and presents,
Carols, nostalgia.
Yes, ’tis the season
And that’s why I called ‘ya.
We had a great year.
Yeah, the kids are alright.
I’m glad you’re my family.
Call you next year. Good night.
Filed under Poems
The Plastic Skeleton’s Other 11 Months
I am a man without skin.
There’s nothing to keep my guts in.
And yet somehow I lived on,
Quite at home on somebody’s lawn.
Then one day the world went black.
They put me in the basement and didn’t look back.
Now my place on the grass has a penguin instead.
There’s some deer on the roof and a weirdly-shaped sled.
But I know when the snow is gone,
When leaves fall on the golden lawn
I’ll be back to rule the night.
Until then, I’ll be alright.
Filed under Poems
Happy National Day-Chooser Day
Today is one of my favorite days:
It’s National “National Day-Chooser” Day.
It’s the day on which we celebrate
The people whose choices will show us the way.
For without the wise guys who choose to define
National Beer Days, Peace Days, and more,
We’d just think it’s Thursday, and that would be boring.
As it is, the Day-Chooser makes our morale soar.
When I’m all grown up, it’s my dream to be
A National Day-Chooser. If that dream comes true,
My first act will be to define that day as
The day of “Someday-You-Might-Have-This-Job-Too.”
Perhaps if I make it to this goal I seek
I’ll be promoted to “Guy Who Picks Out The Week!”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 