Tag Archives: Love

September 28, 2023 · 7:26 pm

Are You A Bard? ‘Cause You Just Rolled A 20 For Seduction

I love you like a gelatinous cube.

I want to consume you completely

And make your all tingly with plenty of lube

When we meet in my dungeon discretely.

I’ve plenty of jewelry to give you

If you’ll just reach inside me and take it

And after my acid has burned you

We’ll forever be one (and be naked).

Yes, I move slowly, I’m squishy,

And I’ll even confess I’m a square

But although I am not the most dishy

I’ll listen to you ‘cause I care.

I’m made of a most caustic acid

And I’m more than a trifle transparent

But I’m seldom, if ever, found flaccid

And I just want to make it apparent

That I love you like a gelatinous cube and

My heart only has one endeavor:

I want to take you by your cute hand

And be with you now and forever.

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September 9, 2023 · 9:06 pm

Everything Else Signifies Subtle Loathing

If your cat attacks you

It means he wants your love.

So does meowing, purring,

And leaping on you from above.

But if your cat ignores you

And poops in the flower bed

It means “Yeah sure, I love you

“But don’t let it go to your head.”

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August 24, 2023 · 7:18 pm

I Asked My Fiance To Write The Odd-Numbered Lines And I’d Handle The Rhyming…

Fan.

Man.

TV.

Stevie.

Watch.

Crotch.

Orange.

Yeah… this is what I signed up for

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August 7, 2023 · 8:55 pm

Softball Questions

There once was a baseball glove

Who, with a human, fell in love.

You may doubt, but I’ll confirm it:

They lived together, but he’s a her mitt.

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June 19, 2023 · 5:36 pm

Leftist Dilemmas

Sometimes I think the world would be better

If everyone wrote a well-worded letter

Politely requesting that all war be ended

But if we did that someone might be offended

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June 18, 2023 · 9:13 pm

Father’s Day

Happy day to all the dads

Who once were childless as lads

And then got up to laddish things

‘Til onto Earth a baby springs.

Then they spend their waking hours

Changing diapers, buying flowers,

Playing dolls or playing truck

Depending on genetic luck.

As they age, the hair up here

Says “Nope, now I’ll grow out your ear.”

He buys cars for his offspring who

Repay him with a new tie. Whoo!

These things and more, both good and bad

Are part of what makes man a dad

But it is love, not merely fate,

That makes a dad we celebrate.

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May 22, 2023 · 8:37 pm

Dr. Strangelove 2, Or How The Bomb Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Herself

I wanted to ask a guy to the prom

But alas I’m a thermonuclear bomb.

Were I to go out in a pretty pink dress

I’d make the whole world feel considerable stress

And instead of the dancing and sighing and kissing

Everyone would shout “Hey, there’s a warhead that’s missing”

And before I’d say “Chill guys, you’re all being dumb”

They’d put me back with the uranium.

And so in my bunker I cry and I dream

Of a man who will see me for more than I seem,

Who’ll sweep me away for one memorable night

Even though afterwards the world won’t be alright…

But maybe a man cannot make me complete

And instead I’ll be happy as radiant heat?

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April 5, 2023 · 5:38 pm

Scorpion Owners Just Laugh…

Doggie cuddle

In a puddle;

Heart and muzzle

Under the stars.

Kitty snuggle

Is a struggle;

With every nuzzle

A few more scars.

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March 26, 2023 · 8:48 pm

With Pictures (But Not Of That, You Pervert)

I have a voyeuristic cat

Who likes to look at this and that.

He’d probably be less entertained

If his own this and that remained,

But since he’s now a they/them

He’ll hop atop the bed: “Ahem.”

And when we finish he does not,

But instead meows: “You’re in my spot.”

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February 14, 2023 · 8:05 pm

Privacy Would Be Preferred Tonight

There once was a Valentine’s Day

When I wasn’t alone (it’s today)

But I lacked the foresight

To post a poem before tonight

So here you go. Now go away!

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