If you think a Banshee’s scream is bad
You have never heard
The scream of the mythical Banthey
When one’s been misgendered.
Tag Archives: Parody
If Academic Papers Were Haikus: An Unnecessarily Wordy Inquiry Into The Five Syllable, Seven Syllable, Five Syllable Metric Pattern Of Japanese Poetry Because My Professor Assigned A 500-Word Paper (Please Don’t Check My Margins Or Change The Font Color)
A haiku has five
Syllables, and then seven
On the second line
According to a
Study by Milner and Stein
In 2005.
They discovered that
The five-seven-five pattern
Was correlated
With most old haiku.
That means haiku have three lines.
Polysyllabic.
This correlation
Was confirmed by researchers
Who can count numbers.
To learn more, check out
My works cited I stole from
Wikipedia.
Filed under Poems
One More Try (Guess Who Went To A Bluegrass Show Tonight?)
I was raised out in the country
A couple miles past “out in the sticks”
And I’ve got that country talent
For meetin’ just the most unfaithful chicks;
The Jezebels and the Delilahs,
The ones who’ll love you ‘til the dawn
But when I’m done cookin’ ‘em breakfast
It’s an empty bed, and oh! My wallet’s gone!
Woe is me! Woe is I! Woah, I think I caught her eye…
What’s the harm in making one more try?
Well I’ve tried bein’ a nice guy,
Bein’ bad, and bein’ cool,
But the role I’m best at playin’
Has gotta be the damned romantic fool.
Well I keep a few reminders
Of them in my rogue’s gallery.
If I’d a dollar for each trinket
I could pay a politician’s salary.
Woe is me! Woe is I! Woke up, so I didn’t die.
What’s the harm in making one more try?
Well they’ve got these handy programs
Where women on the worldwide web‘ll
Write about how they love laughter,
Tasty food, travel, hiking, and a rebel.
Seems a shame they’d waste their effort
Fielding mail from some desperate guy
When here I am, arms and heart open
And when it ends she’ll never cry.
Woe is me! Woe is I! Woman please just hit “reply.”
What’s the harm in making one more try?
Sure, when all is done and finished
Her ego’s big and mine’s diminished,
But I keep making one more try…
Portland Rap
I asked a tranny dude if he wanted to fight,
‘Cause I figured “He ain’t got the balls, amiright?”
He said “No,” which is fine, but it got really weird
When his girlfriend came forward and I stepped on her beard.
I was going to write seven more verses, but I think you get the point…
Filed under Poems
Where The Owls With Big Pecks Work
I hope in the Harry Potterverse
There’s a chain of restaurants
That serve the tasty chicken wings
That every wizard wants.
This restaurant chain is called “Boobs”
And the waitresses are owls.
It would be a hoot to go there.
Sincerely, JK Rowls.
Filed under Poems
CNN, 1 AD
Almost two weeks have passed
Since the “King of the Jews”
Awoke from the dead after three days
And made international news.
After promising forgiveness
Of all humans and departing,
Mumblings of discontent
From sinners have been starting.
“I wanted to retire
“Somewhere warm,” one sinner said,
“But now I have to worry
“About grace and s**t instead.”
“I’m pissed about redemption,”
Another man commented.
“What about my right to be
“Eternally tormented?”
In fact it seems that since the day
That Jesus pulled a “Nope”
And ascended into Heaven
To give the humans hope
Everyone’s been angry.
“I’m upset,” one human mused.
Tomorrow: “Why all the good men suck”
Right here on Nightly News.
This post was sponsored in part by Serpent Apple Company. Just one bite can change your life!
Filed under Poems
Amber Alert
What child is this
You laid to rest
That in my lap
Is sleeping,
Whose face glows white
Like the face of God,
And why won’t my cell phone
Quit beeping?
Filed under Poems
Diet Supplements
Are you tired of working out?
Wish you could lose some weight?
Then you stumbling on this post
Is nothing short of fate!
See, I’m a famous CEO
Who grew up on the street
And I’ve been on some talk shows
And my life is really neat.
I’ve collaborated
With a bunch of science nerds
To make a diet supplement
That will leave you without words:
Our many happy clients
Universally lost weight,
And we’re officially endorsed
By nearly every socialist state.
What is this magic product?
You really want to know?
Okay, since you asked nicely…
“Dehydrated H2O.”
Filed under Poems
Tearjerker Country Songs 101
It’s a stormy night of sorts
And there’s a church nearby
And the preacher with a troubled past
Welcomes some stranded guy.
They small talk for a while
Until the preacher tells the tale
Of how some dude did something bad
And didn’t go to jail.
Some family member died too young
And everybody’s sad
And you get the impression
That God is really bad.
But then the random stranger
Who was talking to the priest
Is suddenly regretful
And reveals he was the beast
Who did the aforementioned crime
That caused the kid to die.
Then he says “Will you forgive me?”
And everybody starts to cry.
Then everybody’s fine and stuff
And no one finds it odd
That injustice is suddenly fine somehow
‘Cause hey, why not? Yay God!
Filed under Poems
Modern Art
Harry stood on stage,
Took a deep breath,
And said, “The,” for forty days.
Every day another voice joined
For eleven and a half weeks.
On the forty first day,
Harry stood on stage,
Took another deep breath,
And said, “World,”
And the followers waited a day
Before echoing him.
And so it was that Harry
And the multitude who came after
Sang a round, “The World,” in eighty days.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 