Tag Archives: Poetry

Then After a Twist Of Fate No One Could See Coming…

If your story’s just beginning

But your ideas have run out

There’s no need for disappointment 

So you can quit your silly pout.

All the greatest stories

Lose their steam before the end

And that’s why we continue

The “something lucky happened” trend.

It’s why stormtroopers can’t hit a barn

And main characters don’t get shivved.

Executions are delayed for a monologue

And Harry’s the boy who lived.

It’s why Ringwraith’s can sense the ring

From half a world away

But not when hobbits hold it

With a tree stump in the way.

Heroes outrun explosions

While the villain merely dies.

The white hats still draw faster

Despite the sunlight in their eyes.

So if you want a writing tip

I’ll give you one to keep:

As long as sh*t works out in the end

The fans will lose no sleep.

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Please Don’t Do That Unto Me… I Have Delicate Skin

If a friend is practicing

Any form of self abuse

You must act quickly! 

Don’t be a fool.

Remind them that you love them

Then take away their knife or noose,

And be sure to not remind them

About the Golden Rule.

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Then You Wouldn’t Have Wasted Your Time Reading This

If I were a toad

I would write fewer poems,

Which makes me think

I should go piss off a witch.

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When You Gotta, But Ya Can’t

I want to address a problem

That so many men have known

But none will speak about it

Face-to-face or even by phone.


It’s the crushing fear we feel

When we’re getting prepped to pee

And someone steps beside us

And starts to take a wee.

In that dreadful moment

Within our bursting loins

The drying force of the Sahara

Erupts amidst our groins.

Whilst mere seconds beforehand

We felt the need to burst

Now we speak gently to ourselves

And pray to avoid the worst.

Dividers help avoid this plague.

Stalls are always best.

As long as bathrooms are in the news

Please heed my implied request!

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After the Rave

What is orange

And six feet tall

And smells like it is dead?

This isn’t a joke.

I’m asking you

Because one is in my bed.

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#LizardHaikus

Changing my colors

Is a dying form of art.

#ChameleonJokes

I don’t talk as much

Since I’m an insurance guy.

#FifteenPercentLess

I’m called a monster,

But if I had my own way

I’d be #CuteGila

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Information Technology

Glory to the makers

Of electronic devices

For they have made available

All the knowledge of man

Yet only they know

How the heck the darn things work.

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If Not, Listen Closer

Do you hear it

Whispering?

A quiet voice

Behind you,

An oily voice

That reminds you

“Bad poems get better

“When you click ‘like.'”

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HBO Anyone?

I’ve created the pilot

Of a TV show

That is sure to be a success.

It’s called “Days of our Sons

“Of The Detectives Whom

“Go To High School in the North by Northwest.”

It features mysteries, 

Drama,  and romance

‘Neath a musical fantasy sky.

It may not be good,

And it may not get watched,

But it’ll run longer than Firefly.

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A 93% Accurate History Of My Mom

When my Mom was younger

She worked on the railroad

All the live-long days.

She was filled with a hunger

To escape from the railroad

And find a guy with whom to pass the days.

She hung up her axe and hammer

For an erlenmeyer flask

And took a job for Carly Fiorina.

My Dad she did enamor

And had the guts to ask

“Do you want to see a show at the arena?”

They got married in the Summer

And moved out to Colorado

And brought my future sister to the world.

Three very-good years later

A doctor in Colorado

Said “you’ve got another kid in you. A girl.”

And so you dreamt of Molly

But months later Dave arrived

And his presence made your life complete.

When I think about it, golly!

Now your life story’s archived

And only for sake of rhymes did I once (or twice…) cheat.

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