I’m crying like an onion
At a family reunion,
Laughing like a hyena
Listening to itself laugh,
Questioning everything
Like a / with a stuck shift-key,
Floating like a butterfly,
Stinging like the aftermath
Of an inadvisable romantic encounter.
Chick flicks, eh?
Filed under Poems
Internet dating
And income taxes
Are emotionally the same.
There’s little fun
In either one,
And both will cause you pain.
No one says
“I’ve made enough
“And I’m happy to contribute
“To an elite few
“Who’ll give to you
My wealth to redistribute.”
Likewise, those
Who go online
To stop their solo-selfie habit
Will seldom say
“She looks ok.
“I just hope we don’t kill the rabbit.”
Instead, you
Fill out some forms
Which make you very bored.
A silent alarm
Says “this may cause harm,
“But chances are you’ll be ignored.”
You look closely
For line 1F,
It’s gone, but you search some more,
Then you say “good enough”
To five digits of fluff
(Or for poets like me, prob’ly four).
And then your attention
Goes all out
On trying to attractively answer
“What makes you feel alright
“On a Saturday night?”
When the truth’s “writing poems about Cancer.”
And when you’re finished
You feel exposed
And tired from each number and letter,
But you won’t go to jail
Or with sexy toys flail.
Now there, don’t we all feel better?
Filed under Poems
To those of you
Who’ve found a love,
Or maybe just a date,
Tomorrow you’ll
Have happiness
From early until late.
For those like me
Who are alone,
Why are you still reading this?
You’ve still got
Some hours left!
Find something not-too-gross to kiss!
Filed under Poems
I used to think the male gender,
Was a role in which I fit.
I was happy being “he”
Until they said “you’re it.”
Filed under Poems
My friends all shouted “goose”
As the spear flew towards my head.
I might be alive today
If they shouted “duck” instead.
Filed under Poems
On my iPad
I can write,
Listen to music
Or make my own.
I make spreadsheets,
Surf the web,
And instantly sync
With my iPhone.
I can download
All the knowlege
Of humanity
Or pics of a cat.
By default it has everything
I could want
Except a calculator,
‘Cause who needs that?
Her skin smells of home
Like a freshly-cooked meal.
Her hair gleams in the sun.
Like a newly mopped floor.
Her eyes are as blue
As just-cleaned toilet water.
Too bad she doesn’t
Live here anymore.
Filed under Poems
Brute strength can’t do everything.
Stamina has limits.
Despite how hard you try
Not every couplet rhymes.
You can lose your focus.
You can lose your mind.
Life might not gives you lemons,
And maybe not even limes.
Sometimes you write two stanzas
Before you realize
That you have no conclusion.
But you don’t want to erase.
Sometimes you write “you”
When referring to yourself.
Next time you write this poem
Instead use “what’s your face.”
Filed under Poems
She was like a James Bond villain:
Charismatic, certainly,
And she had a pool of sharks
And talked nonstop to me.
That suited me just fine.
I’ve also got an evil brain,
But I’m the type of bad guy
With bad teeth who gets thrown off a train.
Filed under Poems
My mind is a pomegranate:
Juicy, seedy,
And it leaves stains on whatever it touches.
You don’t know how it opens
And it takes hours to process
And doesn’t fill you up.
Luckily my heart is some type of meat,
Probably liver.
Mmmm… Liver.
The Daily Travesty 