The Samurai saw a leather hat
With bills to block the sun
And said (probably in Japanese)
“That does not look so fun.”
So the cowboys took it
And thus the West was won
And I would wisely wager
That’s why the Samurai are done.
Tag Archives: Silly
Supervillains In The Time Of Social Media
So no one pressed the button
And no one cut the wire
And the number of both tocks and ticks
Is growing ever higher
And I’ve haggled and I’ve cackled
And liked, shared, and commented
But my existential ticking threat
Has in no psyche cemented.
I’m once again tequesting
That you face a villainous choice:
Press the button or cut the wire.
Go on and raise your voice!
That’s all for now my puny foes
And future grimly-oppressed.
Now I’m off to my one-bedroom lair
To scheme and be despressed
Filed under Poems
This Year For Christmas I Want Racially Accurate Casting In Supporting Roles
I know not of the origin
Of the fateful racial feud
Between the dwarves and elves of old
Nor how such hate ensued,
But the modern dwarf/elf rivalry
Is almost certainly due
To hiring dwarves at Christmas time
To dress as Santa’s crew.
Filed under Poems
When Your Economics Professor Has To Talk His Way Out Of A Shady Deal
If you sell your soul to the devil
And try to buy it back
You’ll find Beelzebub unwilling
To grant you any slack,
But if you do convince him
You’ll need to pay back more
Than whatever you decided
To originally sell it for.
This proves that souls are subject
To monetary inflation
As non-fungible timeless artifacts
With finite monetary evaluations
And thus I say a human life
Gets more valuable with age
From a monetary point of view.
Now let me out of this cage.
Filed under Poems
This Is Probably Less Funny In Hebrew
And the Lord said unto Abraham
“You shall not eat unclean animals.
“Also, guess what I decided to name pig meat?”
Filed under Poems
Please See The Manager Between 12:01-12:07 AM on Tuesdays And Fridays In March And Bring A Notarized Letter Of Intent To End Your Subscription To Mordorian Dominion
The necromancer, Sauron,
Was pondering his life:
No pesky job to go to,
No annoying, naggy wife.
He wished to live forever
So he made a magic ring
That would make him both immortal
And in charge of everything.
Deep in the fine print
Of this magical ring contract
Made the only way to break the ring
A particular lava contact,
And yet a little hobbit
Bypassed this security.
If only Sauron had the foresight
To beg advice from me
For I know an alternative
That might just have saved him:
In order to destroy the One Ring
You must cancel membership for the gym.
Filed under Poems
The Best Part Of Waking Up
Pooping is great!
Pooping is fun!
Just sit on the toulet
And ploop! You’re all done!
Or if you are male
And/or have a phone
Pooping can give you
An hour alone!
Filed under Poems
The Beginning Of A Grand Adventure
Somewhere far beyond these walls
Walking amidst the eldritch halls
Are dwarves and elves and even men
Saying, “Damn GPS screwed up again.”
Filed under Poems
There’s A Colonel Of Truth Here…
In the civil war, a soldier fled
Across the Kentucky border,
Seeking to preserve his life
By disobeying his orders.
But when he crossed he found himself
On more unfriendly soil.
The deserter was taken hostage
And executed with boiling oil.
I don’t blame you if this story
Might make you quake or sicken,
But its moral is important:
How Kentucky fried the chicken.
Filed under Poems
Introducing Your 2028 President Elect
I do not know the muffin man.
I really don’t know nothing, man.
All I know is muffin man
Repeats things, so I’m told.
I’ll tell you of the muffin man
Since you’re no fan of muffin man.
You’ll hear repeats by muffin man
‘Cause the teleprompter’s old.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 