I asked, “Jerry, how do I
“Improve my upper body strength?”
He said, “A bench press
“Is a good place to start, Mark.”
I thought of his advice
And pondered it at length,
Then I grabbed my iron
And went to the city park.
I told the people and the pigeons
That they must depart,
Then I pressed into that bench
Until the steam had all but ceased.
I still have a weak torso
But Jerry said that it’s a start,
And even so I must admit
The bench looks better creased.
Filed under Poems
The guy at the church said,
“Convert to Christianity!”
The scientologist said,
“Convert to out insanity!”
The LDS guy said, “Convert
“Also, I’m Elder Jeff.”
Microsoft word told me,
“Just convert to .PDF”
Filed under Poems
If I had good fortune to get bit by
A radioactive beast of some kind
And gained a superpower related
Here’s what superpower comes to my mind:
I would be bitten by a human dad
Of a small child, aged between three and five
And gain power to really steal noses
From any human who is now alive.
I would wander town to town in a mask
And say, “Got your nose” to a passer-by
And see the annoyance turn to shock when
They see that what I said is real, not a lie.
Then I’d put their nose back and fly away.
I think that would really make someone’s day…
Filed under Poems
I’m no longer a member
Of the anime club
Because I asked Mr. Bushi
Whether Japanese mermaids
Would feel conflicted
If someone asked them to eat sushi.
Filed under Poems
She told me I was childish,
Young and immature
With some form of exuberance
For which there is no cure.
I took a breath and looked at her
And offered my retort:
“Let’s have this conversation
“Somewhere other than my fort.”
Filed under Poems
Leo asked, “Would you like to eat African food?”
We voted, and most voted, “Yea.”
Having said yes, Leo said, “Then I guess
“You and Africans feel the same way.”
Filed under Poems
Last night I read the Bible
‘Cause I was just that bored.
Apparently, “No one whose testicles have been crushed
Or whose penis has been cut off
May be admitted into the company of the Lord.”
So when you settle differences
With fists, and feet as well,
Just remember, a kick to the balls
Is literally a ticket to Hell!
Filed under Poems
People say that grammar
Doesn’t matter any more,
That vocabulary’s useless
And english is a bore.
What they do not realize
Is that the word you tried
Might turn a social program
Into massive genocide.
Take this proposition:
“Our mayor, Jim Metcalf
“Will, by 2025
“Cut homelessness in half.”
What a lovely world we’d have
And what a peaceful street
If Mayor Metcalf’s plan above
Was ever made complete!
Alas, the words they wrote instead
Were, “Mayor Jim Metcalf
“Will, within the next five years,
“Cut homeless people in half.”
To some, there’s nothing different.
To some, this sounds just fine
Until you realize just how
The Mayor crossed a line
Because the homeless person
Who was once in Bradley Square
Now has his legs on Main Street
But his torso’s over there!
Stop the death and carnage
And salute the grammar nerds,
For only you can save a life
By choosing proper words.
Filed under Poems
To those who value brevity:
Enjoy ironic levity.
Filed under Poems
Yew are the tree that sustains me.
U turn the sick to the well.
Ewe are so warm and so fluffy.
I love you although I can’t spell.
You’re poem touched me this evening.
Your the only one I think of now.
Their’s somewhere I know and soon they’re we’ll go
But let’s stick to spoken poems for know.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 