Somehow we went from running
To avoid becoming a meal
To paying $50 to run
To express the way we feel.
Tag Archives: Stupid
Seriously, Why Can’t We Just Have Attractive White People Starring In Original Stories With No Agenda?
There once wasn’t a modern crowd
Compelled to cheer out loud
For a diversity quota,
Caring even one iota
That the princess was now unibrowed.
Filed under Poems
Nah Boss, I Just Copied And Pasted The DNA From Some Frogs. What Could Go Wrong?
Dinosaurs are cool but not that useful.
Jobs are necessary but lame.
Thus I conclude that paleontologists
Play a very confusing game.
Filed under Poems
Apple: Because I Chose It When I Was 12 And It’s Too Late Now
For a few months my iPhone
Had eight hours of life between charges,
Then the next model released
And my phone bill suddenly enlarges.
Oh, an update to iOS x+1?
That sounds like an important step.
Did it drop my battery life by 20 percent?
Unsurprisingly, that’s a big “yep”.
“It’s ok”, says my telephone rep.
“You can upgrade today for free.
“You’ll just change your phone number
“And sign here in blood
“And pay for 69 months interest-free!”
And so, in a rage, I go shopping
For whatever Android people buy,
Then I remember how all my app data
Only works if my phone has an “i”
And I slink to my room where my charger
Sits happily waiting to go.
I’ll repeat this emotional process
Every year for a lifetime or so.
Filed under Poems
Or, You Know, A Crippling Depression Once A Century Or So…
I don’t believe in giving the government
Unlimited power to spend
Because what if they give
Drum sets to all who live?
See how badly all this could end?
Filed under Poems
Then Vs. Now
Love is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues.
Love will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal: (“I do”)
A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. (“Honey, why is the cat hairless?”)
Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start.
On your mark, get ready, start.
Filed under Poems
Elite Athletes Need Specific Food? Nah… Be Vegan
There once were olympics in Paris
Whose food service tends to embarrass.
They said “Earth’s getting hot!
“Eat le meat you will not
“But you’ll have un grande vue from the terrace.”
Filed under Poems
Fine Print Matters
I signed up for a credit card
And I’m going to be rich.
See, the card has special privileges
That’s almost like a glitch:
Every time you spend with it
You get a hundred loyalty bucks
That you can trade for fancy stuff
Like jewelry or Chucks.
Update: It’s been seven months.
I have a billion bucks, and I
Am being tracked by debt collectors
And I need to cry.
It turns out that a billion bucks
Translates to about a dime
And there’s something called an “interest”
That grows a lot with time.
Update: Now my stuff is gone
And I live on the street
With somebody named “Pickle Jim”
And also “Fentanyl Pete.”
I guess the whole “free money” thing
Made me spend a bit too hard
But at least I could exchange my points
For a Visa prepaid card!
Filed under Poems
Honestly, Don’t Limit It To Just Movies
I think instead of IMDB
Or Rotten Tomatoes reviews
We just need a site to completely compile
Liberal white women’s reviews.
Then you can see which films don’t appeal
To Karen and Kaitlyn and co.
That would inform me much more directly
If a film will be funny or no.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 