What type of Youtube watcher are you?
The type who watches that Indian dude?
Maybe the type who react to the trends
Or enjoys watching guys give cash to their friends?
Maybe you watch it for voice-to-text vids
Or use it to sedate your satanic kids?
If none of these channels tickles your tubes
Let me suggest another one – Boobs.
Filed under Poems
I get that without spiders
Other bugs would be more numerous,
But I still find it sorta said
And even moreso humorous
That despite there being webs everywhere
The bugs are still voluminous.
This is the dilemma of our time
And a cornerstone of humanness.
Filed under Poems
In four more days the day will be
The longest of the year.
Today it’s fifty-eight outside
And I’m grinning ear to ear
‘Cause this means all our efforts
In the global warming fight
Have paid off, and we can repeal
The carbon tax now, right?
Filed under Poems
If we’re forgiving student loans
I think we should consider
Just forgiving all debt ever.
Also, the getter-ridder
Should make everything be free
So everyone is wealthy!
Then we can sail our yachts and talk
About why the economy isn’t healthy.
Filed under Poems
I want to hire a deaf guy
To go to Olive Garden, where a
Waiter will grate a block of cheese
Onto his pasta marinara
And when the waiter asks “enough”
The deaf guy will stay quiet.
This is a lifelong dream of mine…
Know any deaf folks who would try it?
Filed under Poems
And the Lord said unto women:
Unto the lake you’ll goeth swimmin’
And the men will paint you and make art.
And the Lord said unto men:
Here’s a paper and pen.
Also, laugh every time you say “fart.”
***
John begat Jonah
And Jonah begat Josh
And Josh begat Evan
Who said “Oh my gosh
“My name is, like, Eve now
“And I’m not one of you men.”
And thus God prepared
For a flood once again.
***
In the beginning
There were two Gods above,
All powerful beings
And madly in love.
One God said, “Oh other God
“I’m pregnant with Earth.”
Other God said “We’re out of milk.
“See ya after the birth!”
Filed under Poems
Once some Spartans got bored
And one of them grabbed a sword.
They said “We can stab you
“Or instead spear you too”
And thus democracy was restored.
Filed under Poems
There once was an immortal deity
Who in a moment of gaiety
Said “Make them eat every day
“And then poop it away”
And angels sighed and said “So may it be.”
Filed under Poems
One-hundred trillion one-hundred seventy-seven million seven-hundred fifty-four thousand one-hundred eighty-two dollars we owe!
One-hundred trillion one-hundred seventy-seven million seven-hundred fifty-four thousand one-hundred eighty-two dollars…
Take a vote
For a promissory note
One-hundred trillion one-hundred seventy-seven billion seven-hundred eighty-one million three-hundred twenty-five thousand and change that we owe!
Filed under Poems
So let me get this straight…
We’re training computers to write
And recognize everyday images
Like motorcycles or a traffic light
And yet our “are you a robot” test
Is exactly where they’re at their best?
On the other hand, I’m excited
For when the “are you a robot” guy
Says “Write something that’s racist”
And the robots can’t comply
So the hot singles in your area
Will finally stop trying to marry ya.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 