If I had a billion dollars
I’d buy a sports franchise
And make a special policy
To only hire guys
With super inappropriate surnames
Like Hitler, Kuntz, White-Powers,
And listen to the commentators
Say their names for hours…
Tag Archives: Travesty
Dreams and Reality
One day I’ll wake in the morning
And look to the sky in the East
And see the sunrise with my well rested eyes
Before cooking a bacony feast.
One day I’ll go for a run
For a mile, or maybe for ten
Then go on a date with my lovely soulmate
And laugh ‘til the sun sets again.
One day my dreams may be real
But I pray it does not come to that
‘Cause today I slept in and wore naught but my skin
And drank egg nog and snuggled a cat.
Filed under Poems
Yeah, The Secret Paedophile Lizards Have Gone Too Far Now…
I needed some lubrication
(Not for that, you dirty cad!)
So I went to the supermarket
To see what types they had.
They had oil made from olives,
Coconuts, almonds, sunflowers,
And ingredients I can’t pronounce
Even if I tried for hours.
But then I saw a product
That set my blood a boil:
Somebody was selling there
A jar of baby oil!
Filed under Poems
All True, But It Should Have Ended Eight Lines Sooner
If you put yogurt into a tube
It changes its name to Gogurt.
If you put yogurt into a friendship
It changes its name to brogurt.
If you plant yogurt deep in the forest
Someday it just might growgurt.
If you give it high heels and make it dance
You could say its a showgurt.
Three Poems On The Mysteries Of Love
If I had a pickle
For every time you smile
I’d be decorating sandwiches
For a sufficient while.
—————————————————————
As the birds sing in the morning
And the bugs crawl in the night
So too doth my heart yearneth
When you say “Meh, you’re alright…”
—————————————————————
I picked the petals from the flower:
“She loves me, she loves me not…”
But I misread the directions
Turns out it was flour I bought.
As I sift through every grain
I frown and then I smile.
I’m getting a great workout
But the results will take a while.
Filed under Poems
I Put Zero Effort Into This Poem, And So Should You
It’s Christmas day!
It’s Christmas! Yay!
There are better things to do today
Than read this blog, so go away!
Filed under Poems
Carols In Da Hood
Today as I was driving
Through the downtown Detroit snow
I heard such lovely music as
“Oh Nightly Hoe,”
“Blew Christmas,” “Slay Ride,”
“Santa Baby-Daddy,” “Little Saint’s Dick,”
“White Privilege Christmas”
And “Look Who I Got With The Ice Pick.”
I would have felt unsafe but I
Was with someone known well:
My inner-city Christmas buddy
Da’First No’El.
Filed under Poems
December 23rd Urd Urd…
‘Twas the night before the night before Christmas
And all through the all through the house
Everyone was everyone was wondering
“Why the **** is everything echoey?”
Filed under Poems
Because #Inclusion (Subverting Sexist Expectations Or Something?)
I always wanted a grandkid
With whom I could spend days
Holding, feeding, talking, reading,
And bonding in other ways.
When I got the call that said
“I’m pregnant,” I felt joy.
All that could make it better was if
The pregnant one was my little boy.
Filed under Poems
But You Have To Pour The Milk First
One day at breakfast I asked my niece
“What if a bowl of cereal were all just one piece?”
My niece said, “I don’t mean to boast
“But I invented that cereal. I call it ‘Toast.’”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 