Sometimes you bite
A chocolate chip cookie
But it’s actually oatmeal raisin.
Sometimes you meet with
A girl you don’t like
But she’s actually really amazin’.
Sometimes you’re hired
For the job of your dreams
Which turns into something you dread.
Sometimes a cookie
Is only a cookie
But sometimes it’s a chimpanzee’s head.
Filed under Poems
I think there are two types of folks.
Let’s see if you agree:
1: People who are literally Hitler
2: People who think just like me
Filed under Poems
“Peculiar” is the word she used
Which made me just a bit confused.
What’s in any way peculiar about a guy
Who likes to eat burgers for lunch
With a glass of fruity punch
And, for dessert, has a slice of gator pie?
Filed under Poems
I got tired of seeing ads
For beer and women’s shoes
So I installed an ad blocker
‘Cause what did I have to lose?
Soon my girlfriend Yui called
Saying, “Dave, you’re such a bore!”
I guess it’s my fault hot asians
Don’t want to date me anymore…
Filed under Poems
Cinderella is the tale
Of a peasant girl named Ella
Who, by being the only nice girl in the world,
Snares the heart of her fella.
Some say we’d all be Cinderella
If the world were entirely jerks
Yet I haven’t met many princesses
So I don’t think that’s how the world works.
Filed under Poems
If a thing is worth the work
Required to do it well
Then it is also worth the time
To be lousy as Hell.
If you hunt and fight and sing
And miss and lose and cry
You’ve far surpassed the many
Who were too afraid to try.
The losers of the universe
Die proudly in the sand,
Pleased to bear their battle scars
With dirt upon their hand.
There are no failures in the world
Of doing what’s worthwhile,
For both the best and all the rest
Have earned the right to smile.
Filed under Poems
Fate, ye tempting mountebank,
Whether spurious or not,
Can prove to be, to our free will,
A specious asymptote.
Atropos, supercilious,
Cuts our time; We must defer.
My mom paid me a dollar
To write this poem, so blame her.
Filed under Poems
Today I slept in until 9:00
And felt amazingly fine.
Tomorrow, alas,
All good things must pass
For I must wake at 8:59
Filed under Poems
Massachusetts, 1692:
They say a woman joked
Telling her husband, “I got your nose!”
Within an hour the fire was stoked…
Filed under Poems
Once upon a time
There was a tiny little rock
Who was the world’s preeminent scholar
On the early works of Bach.
The little rock was erudite
Yet its career went South
On account of probably white people
And, also, its lack of mouth.
——————————————————–
Once upon a time
A woman majored in STEM
And made millions teaching women
The ways that men were bad to them.
She could have been an engineer
And done science and stuff
But instead she told the patriarchs
She wasn’t paid enough.
Filed under Poems
