“The devil plays the violin,
The instrument of mortal sin.”
I told her this, then said hello.
#How to not pick up girls who play cello
Tag Archives: Travesty
Mom Was Right
There comes a time in our epoch
When you face the toughest of fights,
You, insignificant human
Alone with the crusher of lights,
A few hundred pounds of soft tissue
Versus a beast from which no one can hide
But you have one ally to help you:
You can turn off the screen and go outside.
Filed under Poems
Shakespeares’s Cat
Kitty kitty
Of my heart,
Who’s a good cat?
Verily, thou art!
I say to thee
A coochy-coo
For who art the cutest?
‘Tis you! ‘Tis you!
Kitty kitty
Ball of fur,
What pleasures come
When you doth purr!
My only wish
For you is yon:
Do sheath your claws
‘Till break of dawn.
Filed under Poems
If You Think This Poem Rhymes You Probably Aren’t Rich
You can tell if someone’s more likely
To play basketball or the harp
By whether they write #F
Or instead they write F#
Filed under Poems
Guys and Dolls, Mother Russia Edition
I once went shopping at the mall
With a Russian guy and a Russian doll.
The Russian guy could reach the top shelf
But the Russian doll was too full of herself.
Filed under Poems
Lent Carols
Silent bells, silent bells,
Silent all the way.
We’re not happy but at least
The priests don’t know we’re gay. Hey!
Silent bells, silent bells,
Silence for the win!
Here’s to seven weeks to stew
In our original sin!
…
Silent night, holy night.
Jesus ate not a bite.
Satan says “make that rock into bread.”
Jesus’s like “Naw, I’ll come back from the dead.”
Then he gave up Facebook!
(If you doubt it go read the good book).
…
On the first day of Lent
Jehovah gave to me…
Hot sand and misery!
On the second day of lent
Jehovah gave to me
No 🤬ing food
And some hot sand and misery!
On the third day of Lent
Jehovah gave to me…
(Use your imagination, we’ve got 38 more days of this 💩)!
…
Filed under Poems
Why I’m Homeschooled
I knew not how to spell “Schism”
And so I took a wild guess…
“I-t-apostrophe-s-P-
o-i-n-t-l-e-s-s.”
Filed under Poems
The College Nerd
Back when I lived in the dorms,
I was no fan of social norms.
It was there when I finally heard
My conscience say “you are a nerd.”
For in the dorm above my own
One night I heard a lustful moan,
Then another, then yet more
While I was beating my high score.
Although my skill is up to snuff
The type of games I play are tough
So I yelled “Be quiet when you *bleep* her!
“I’m trying to focus on Minesweeper.”
Now you may laugh and call me names
Since I scoff at sex while playing games
But I avoided future strife:
Minesweeper trains men for married life.
Virgin loser? Yep, that’s me!
Enjoy your one-night TNT.
Star Wars Episode IX
The stormtrooper lands
In Nairobi, Kenya
And fires his blaster
Into the falling H2O.
The Jedi asks the trooper
“What was all that?”
And the trooper says
“I miss the rains down in Africa.”
*Roll Credits*
Filed under Poems
Priorities
I don’t see why we’re worrying
About regulating guns
When supermarkets sell packages
Of eight hot dogs and ten buns.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 