Tag Archives: Truth

July 29, 2019 · 4:08 pm

If They Spot An Oddity They’ll Start Feeling Audity And You’ll Be An Auditee

Thanks for calling IRS

We’re pleased to take your call.

We’ll be with you shortly

In almost no time at all.

Today’s call volume’s low

So you’ll likely only wait

Until the next December

Or the climax of your fate.

In the meantime please relax

And find something to do.

Our agents are quite busy

Making life feel hard for you.

We would like to help you

And help we probably could

But, by law, we are forbidden

To do anything good.

We know you are unhappy

And we know we’ve caused you stress.

Here’s some tax-funded Muzak.

Thanks for calling IRS.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , ,

July 26, 2019 · 9:54 am

Back Me Up, Caitlyn

I don’t call you “sir” ’cause I hate you.

I don’t call you “ma’am” to be a bigot.

I use words 99.4 percent of people

Will prefer to be called. Can you dig it?

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

July 19, 2019 · 11:17 am

My Attempt At Humanism Before I Interact With The Public Today

If you weigh 400 pounds

And sit beside me on a plane

I do not hate you as a person

But I still think you’re a pain.

If you say “fuck” like girls say “like”

And I am with my 6-year-old

I do not hate you as a person

But I hope you die before you’re old.

If you blast rap at 1:00 AM

And I wake up for work at 5:00

I do not hate you as a person

But I do wish you were not alive.

If you recast my favorite film

And the final movie turns out bad

I do not hate the cast or crew

But the fact remains I feel sad,

So if my feeling isn’t yours

‘Cause you are you and I am me

It doesn’t mean I hate your guts;

I dislike you with empathy.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

July 17, 2019 · 3:42 pm

When You Spend Mauritanian Money To Play A Gregorian Cadence On A Welsh Instrument (And No One Will Play Board Games With You Anymore)

I spent lots of oguiya

To buy a crwths

So I could perform a euouae.

If you think this is nonsense

But I know better…

I’ve read the Scrabble dictionary. Hooray!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

July 16, 2019 · 9:05 am

Really? Really.

In the news: 007 is a black lady

And a million people attack area 51.

Neither endeavor is likely to succeed

But at least “Seein’ dem aliens” will be fun.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , ,

July 13, 2019 · 9:59 am

One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

Some say poetry is crap.

Others call it art.

Nobody liked my soccer poem

And I’d call that a very good start!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tagged as , , , , , ,

July 11, 2019 · 6:38 pm

When You Hate The Haters, You Hate Yourself, But I’m White So I Should Hate Myself Anyway And I’m So Confused…

“Everyone loves our movies”

Said the Disney corporation

As they embarked on making

Their next live-action adaptation.

“The only problem I can see”

Said a modern movie buff

“Is that your previous films

“Don’t hate straight white men enough.”

And so the Disney corporation

Began to turn away

Anyone who wasn’t brown

Or female or gay.

Now the Disney corporation

Isn’t evil, FYI

Despite their CEO Bob Iger

Being an old cis-hetero white guy.

We know he isn’t evil

And his movies aren’t trash

‘Cause anti-white discrimination

Is what brings Disney their cash

And money, after all,

Is what makes the world go round.

(Also, you know who to blame

If I go missing and am never found).

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , ,

July 10, 2019 · 9:02 pm

My Covenant

Some people with a time machine

Would cure diseases in the past,

Kill Hitler as a baby

To stop the Jews from being gassed,

See what dinosaurs were like

Or build the pyramids.

Some would travel back in time

To relive being kids.

If I had a time machine

I’d go to a monastery

Where people sang Gregorian chant

With ye olde Tomme, Dicke, and Harrye

And play the drum and violin parts

To the Halo menu song.

Some people would go to the future

To cure cancer, but they’re wrong.

You’re Welcome

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

July 6, 2019 · 8:27 pm

Modern Problems Require Modern Solutions

When you remember your username

But the password you do not

And have to point out stop signs

To prove you aren’t a robot…

I think they should have a youtube ad

And if you don’t click “skip in 5”

They know you are a robot,

Or at least you’re not alive.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , ,

July 1, 2019 · 2:33 pm

And Then They Hear “Hee, Hee, Hee” And Start Screaming About Representation For Other Pronouns In The Onomatopoeia Of Laughter

California made it illegal

To discriminate based on hairstyle.

This is one of the greatest things

I’ve heard in quite a while

Because, based on liberal input,

I know that all white people are racist

And I’ve developed the ultimate strategy

For cutting my hair on that basis:

It’s illegal to bias one’s choices

For traditional hairstyles of race

Like cornrows or dreadlocks or afros

And because this is the case

I can shave my head to spell letters,

Specifically “I disagree.”

Now watch as the left calls me Hitler

And I just say “Hee, hee, hee.”

Dedicated to Helen, My Evil Stepsister 🙂

Want to suggest a poem topic? Leave a comment or email thedailytravesty@yahoo.com

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , ,