She liked the way he smiled
So she waited ’til he slept
Then grabbed a pair of scissors
And into his room she crept.
She scissored off his jawbone
And hung it on her wall.
Now he pays her alimony
And sees the kids once every Fall.
Tag Archives: Women
Apparently Pearls And Swine Are Equal
A feminist told me
“All men are pigs!”
And I almost took some offense.
Then another told me
“Men and women are equal.”
Now the first woman’s making more sense.
Filed under Poems
I Can Safely Write This Because She Doesn’t Read My Blog And Is Imaginary
Some sayings sound satisfying
But don’t apply to real life,
Like “what comes up must come down”
Doesn’t work for the weight of my wife…
Filed under Poems
Why Not “Sally?”
Everyone compares me to Godzilla,
Which is weird because she’s ugly and I’m cute.
She’s a monster, but I’m an ordinary teenager.
Guess that’s what happens when your name is “Satanewt.”
Filed under Poems
Dating A 30-Year-Old
You ask will I love you
When you’re not a young lass,
When your hair’s gray and saggy
And so is your ass,
When the passion is gone
And the money is thin
And everything hurts
‘Neath our wrinkly skin.
Our hands come together
And I look straight at you.
“Of course I will darling!
“I already do.”
Filed under Poems
Why I Never Got Together With That Cute Girl In Class
What wonder has a flower,
A daisy or a rose,
To the clueless human
As on its way it goes?
A work of nature, beautiful,
Is worth not but a glance
For what interest has a human
In the idle ways of plants?
But a very ugly flower
That can nauseate by sight,
That makes you want to kick a baby,
Draw attention that just might.
So when you see the spiders
Crawling from my bloodshot eyes
I seek your fondness and attention.
‘Twas not that so very wise?
Filed under Poems
Baby Don’t Got Back
I saw her and yelled to her “Hey!”
Then I asked “those legs go all the way?”
Then I thought “what the heck?”
‘Cause her legs met her neck
Which I noticed as she walked away.
Filed under Poems
Never Thought I’d Miss “Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?” But Alas…
“If I were a pickled spleen
Kept in a jar for 30 years
Charged with electrical current
In a chamber full of your darkest fears,
Then released from the jar on a Sunday
And carried overseas by some birds
To attend celebrations in Istanbul
Would you still kiss me afterwards?”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 