There once was a man named Beyoncé
Who wanted to have a fiancee
But the girls were all like
“Why’s your name not like ‘Mike?’”
Now he goes by his middle name: Chauncey.
Tag Archives: Women
When The Kisses Miss The Missus
When you refuse my kiss
I feel something’s amiss.
When you deny my peck
I think “What the heck?”
When you dodge my caress
I feel some duress.
When you deny being osculated
I feel emosculated.
Filed under Poems
Getting Eden (The Serpent Explains)
Every lovely girl I meet
Reminds me of what I dreamt:
That I would bring them home with me
As someone neat and kempt
But by the time the night, once young,
Is now a morning younger
I shall inspire in the girl
An animalistic hunger,
And in the dark of night we’ll join,
Two bodies, bare and lithe;
Two sides, one body, like a coin,
And ‘til the dawn we’ll writhe.
So it happened with a girl
When she and I were new.
She wore not more than sun-kissed skin
And didn’t have a clue.
I brought her to the place I call
My home, but I soon saw she
Was more inclined to eat my fruit
Than make a man of me.
As she bit the apple, I
Was filled with a vengeful thought;
If I could not catch that girl’s eye
So too other men would not.
I tensed my body, spouting curses
And made all men to come
Be mocked for wanting to be nurses
And also bald and dumb.
God saw what I did to man
And said, “Ok, that’s fair.”
Then he made chilbirth hurt, and
Other bits about which I don’t care.
Basically the point I’m making
Is if you’re a dude who feels cursed
Your girl probably rejected Satan
And her punishment is still worse.
Filed under Poems
The Birds and the Seas
If you are a whale
Your parents probably sing
About how to safely do
The reproduction thing.
If you are a shark instead
The learning that’s essential
Is that some biting might be fun
As long as you are gentle.
If you’re in a school of fish
You’ll probably be fine
Unless you can puke out your guts
And your skin is covered in spines
Because if you’re the sea cucumber
It is my belief
You’re in a bit of danger
When teenage whales need relief…
Filed under Poems
Judy Rhymes With Beauty…
People who don’t think gender is real
May have a change of heart
Depending on if the person who says
“Smell this” is named Judy or Bart.
Filed under Poems
Mistakes Have Been Made
You say you were gloomy,
For quite a long span
When you were a woman
In need of a man.
You say you were sad,
But that’s nothing but talk.
Think of fish without bicycles
Who instead had to walk!
Filed under Poems
Why The Unicorns Left
She grew up in the forest
And learned to talk to trees
By singing with the birds of prey
And dancing with the bees.
She trained to be a hunter
From the day that she was born.
She dreamt she’d be the first to find
The mythic unicorn.
She found black stallions, powerful,
And pegasus in white,
Beasts that pulled the wagon far
And those who bore a knight.
She found horses of the sea
And horses tame and wild,
And yesterday her dream came true
And found it bright and mild:
The unicorn! Resplendent
In shades of gold and blue,
With a horn that shone like rainbows
And eyes of emerald hue.
She gazed upon the creature
And stroked its noble head
Then noticed it was unemployed
And rode a mule instead.
Filed under Poems
They’re Like Puppies, But With Testosterone
What if men who’re two feet tall
Are the physical ideal,
The epitome of manliness
With endless lust and zeal?
All the women saying
They prefer a taller guy
Have never seen a two-foot man…
True candy for the eye!
And although such small men are rare,
Precious and petite,
A man who’s 2-foot-6 or so
Is also really neat.
In fact, any guy beneath three feet
Is a slice of masculine heaven
Unless, of course, the manlet stands
Exactly 1’11”
Filed under Poems
What A Catch!
She doesn’t play mind games.
She doesn’t hate pets.
These days that’s quite close to as good as it gets.
She isn’t ugly.
She isn’t mean.
She’s the not-baddest person that I’ve ever seen.
She has other friends.
She gets off the couch.
Her spirit animal is not Oscar the Grouch.
She’s not into drama.
She’s not a KGB spy.
My only concern is that “she” is a guy.
Filed under Poems
She Wants You Inside Her
The phrase “I want your baby”
Is sometimes super hot.
Mostly it depends if she’s
A cannibal or not.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 