Hush little baby! Don’t you cry
Or I’ll play you an elephant lullaby
And all that trumpeting hurts your ears
And sure, maybe daddy’s had one too many beers…
Category Archives: Poems
Some Day My Wife Will Hear Me Singing This And She’ll Slip Quietly Out The Back And Never Be Seen Again
Filed under Poems
Seriously, His Timing Was Impeccable
There once was a beloved cat
Who thought it appropriate that
In a moment of passion
It would be in fashion
To smother my face with its fat.
Filed under Poems
Betting On A Diamond
You couldn’t love a gambling man,
A pal who plays the odds,
Who shakes the dice and throws a wrench
In the plans of man and Gods.
You said you’d never take a chance
On a poker-faced son
But I’d bet if you took a chance
You’d find me pretty fun.
You used to ace your math exams.
You were the queen of school
But the odds weren’t in your favor
With Jack, the king of cool.
Jack would have told you “yes, of course”
If you asked him to dance
But no-go there! You didn’t dare
To take this simple chance.
So Jack’s bad luck’s my inside straight
So let me take the shot:
If you give me your hand of fate
You may just win a lot.
Filed under Poems
Ooh! Proof! Also Pool And Book And…
All good things have double o’s
And not just double-o-seven.
There’s good food and a good poop
And good wood can be heaven.
Also see spoonful of sugar,
Parenthood, toothsomeness, and the zoo.
Unless you’re a toothless bloodthirsty cooter
I’m sure you’ll agree with me too!
Filed under Poems
When Nobody Gets You But Your Online Friends
A pack of wolves descends upon
The injured doe, devouring
All they can reach, the meat which they
Find ever so empowering.
Behind the pack, one wolf holds back
And types into its phone
“I’m vegan and my family’s like totally weird
“Hashtag wolf, hashtag lone.”
Filed under Poems
Sincerely, Asian Parents
If at first you don’t succeed
Find a doctor or lawyer with which to breed
Then every day remind your kid
They need to succeed at what you never did.
Filed under Poems
Psychiatrists Might Call This “A Cry For Help”
There once was a homicidal maniac
Who like to hold poets hostage.
He may not understand rhyming
But as long as I keep writing
He won’t turn me into bolognese sauce…
Filed under Poems
Plus Now The Taxidermist Has An Amazing Story!
Jen lost ten pounds through exercise.
Steve lost twenty by changing his diet.
I lost sixty pounds when my tapeworm came out
But Jen and Steve are too chicken to try it.
Filed under Poems
Back To Normal
I went on a trip for 5 days
And I’m grateful in so many ways
To be home once again
Where in peace I can pen
Five-line poems that fail to amaze
Filed under Poems
On Monetization (For A Limited Time, You Can See This Poem’s Secret Full Title For Just $1.99 When You Like And Subscribe)!
I’ll tell you a tale of a terror
Of a fellow whose job starts with “C”.
He sold silly stuff, but it wasn’t enough
To make “millionaire” start with a “B”.
So it would seem that he dreamed up a scheme
Where whenever one wanted to win
They could wait for an hour to double their power
Or just pay not to wait to begin.
From there they’d enable the financially stable
To get, just a bit at a time,
A pack of fine hats that add one to your stats
For eleventy-one gems and a dime.
I’m not sure which curse is objectively worse:
The fact that they dreamed up this plan
Or that players will buy ‘til the debt hits their eye
For a chance at a doodad in tan.
And yet player one wants a gun that’s more fun
And mom’s credit card’s been pre-approved…
Or how about trying to stop all our buying
Until C-level guy gets removed?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 