She saw a roll of wrapping paper,
A pool noodle, and a stick.
He saw a lightsaber, a lightsaber, and a lightsaber
Because he has a dick.
Category Archives: Poems
Degrees Of Sinfulness
I asked the preacher “Hey what if
“I steal a loaf of bread?”
The preacher answered “You’ll be judged
“In Heaven once you’re dead.”
I asked, “What if I kill somebody
“But I confess before I die?”
The preacher said “The Lord will judge
“If your intention is a lie.”
I asked, “What if I hog
“The bathroom before work?”
The preacher said, “You’ll go to Hell
You [Sinful language] jerk!”
Filed under Poems
The Ski Trip
Tomorrow I’m strapping knives to my feet
And throwing myself down a hill.
Then I’ll get on a chair that flies through the air
And do it again for a thrill.
Filed under Poems
What Do Poets Do At Night? The True Story Revealed!
Tonight I stayed home to guarantee
I could sign up for an event at 6:00 PM.
I spent most of the afternoon watching TV,
Specifically the Seahawks get their ass handed to them.
I was also playing video games
And burning wood to keep my house hot.
I had an awesome time doing everything but
Did I sign up for the event? No I did not.
I spent an evening by myself
Eating cookies and shouting “Dude!”
At the TV, so although I’m a dumby
My man card’s 1,000-percent renewed!
Filed under Poems
But Seriously, Who Doesn’t Want To Do This At Least Once?
I think people would be happier
If once a day, for free,
They could take an eighteen-wheeler
Packed with TNT
And have a robot drive it
Into their neighbor’s chrysanthemum
But that’s very illegal
‘Cause the government is dumb.
Filed under Poems
Don’t Question The Logic… Just Enjoy The Conclusion
I think that absolute proof
That a time machine exists
Is the fact that someone went back in time
And found a T-Rex
And said “Aww yeah… T-Rex….”
And then got eaten
And nobody has time traveled since.
Filed under Poems
NFL Folk Tales
If a tree falls in the forest
And no one’s around to see
Will the Packers still pass on receivers
In 2023?
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck wouldn’t chuck…
Perhaps he even couldn’t chuck…
Since Russell Woodchuck still sucks. Good.
—————————————————————
Legend speaks of manticores
With the heads of a lion, an eagle, and goat.
Normally you’d be scared of the lion head
But that’s ‘cause the eagles don’t gloat.
Filed under Poems
How The Free Market Works
There once was a guy who made gizmos.
It cost him a dollar for three,
And he sold them to shops for a dollar a piece
Which seems okay so far to me.
The shop where they resold the gizmos
Put the price tag as $2.99
But they were always on sale for $2.50
Which still isn’t crossing the line.
So you pay your five bucks for two gizmos
But the government steps in to say
“A five-dollar price is all very nice
“But $5.25’s what you must pay.”
So you fish out a quarter to augment
The price of the gizmos you bought
But found that the cash in your pocket
Was less than initially thought
Because for each dollar of paycheck
A dime and a quarter were taken
To pay for the people who make up the rules
That say “Taxes are good, you’re mistaken.”
So that’s why when I shop for gizmos
I go to the maker and say
“Here’s a buck for your thirty-cent gizmo”
And we smile and go on our way.
Filed under Poems
The Placebo Effect
There once was a sinister plot
Much worse than you ever thought…
It involved mind control
And a dark, moonlit stroll.
Now tell: are you worried or not?
—————————————————————
There once was the snazziest plan;
Make it seem just as cool as you can!
Sure, there’s thinking involved…
But the problems it’s solved!
I love me some sugar pills, man!
Filed under Poems
When Life Gives You Mucus, Make Poetry
I’m still sick after 96 hours,
Plentiful pills, and hot, steamy showers.
I feel lousy, and still poems I write
So give me some pity likes! And with that, good night.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 