Jared was still very small
When he saw cattle fall
Into a slumber, fast and deep.
With no reason or rhyme
Someone said “It’s pasture bedtime”
And so Jared went home and fell asleep.
Category Archives: Poems
Just Wait ‘Til He Learns They Eat Cat In China
Jared was a little dude
From Syracuse, New York
Who used to think his favorite meat
Was barbecue pulled pork.
Then he came upon a crowd
Of masturbating cattle
And now he says Beef strokin’ off
Has won the “best meat” battle.
Filed under Poems
She’s Cute Though…
My girl was trying to write
A poem for me tonight
She tried rhyming “dominion”
With “In my girls arms”
And that’s when we started the fight.
She requested I write her original poem
So here it is, verbatim:
“The Happiest Place On Earth”
Some may call it Disneyland
But we did not meet a bug.
Others call it Ikea,
Though we came home with a rug.
In my own opinion
The happiest dominion
Is that the happiest place on earth
Is in my girl’s arms.
Filed under Poems
The 11.5th Man
Today I watched a once great team
Catch on fire, but die as steam,
Lead on offense by a bust
Who makes us say “In Smith We Trust.”
On the flip side now I know
How Michael Jackson puts on a show.
Do we suck? Yeah, probably!
But I still love the hawks, so whee!
Filed under Poems
She-Hulk, Attorney At Law
What if we made a TV show
For people who love manly heroes
That starred a green, feminist lawyer
And had a budget with multiple zeroes
Who lectures the characters we know and love
And faces no relevant threats?
Oh, and let’s call our core audience ‘bigots’
And see how many millions it nets!
Filed under Poems
House Party
Two tiny dancing flames,
Twin wicks of a pink candle
That smells like the ocean,
Flickering, twisting,
Casting their glow on the ceiling,
Inspiring the curtains to surrender
And burst into their own dancing flames.
Soon the carpet dances
And the furniture and the lawn.
A pretty red truck arrives,
Singing a merry two-note song
And the men from the calendar
Let water join the festivity.
Somewhere nearby, a cat
Sits in a tree, unrescued
While the humans are upset
And the flames cherish the day,
Their last and finest,
Until the next little candle hosts a ball.
Why Some Plants Go Extinct
“Anybody want some peas?”
Everyone said yes.
“Anyone want pewps?”
Perhaps next year, I guess…
Filed under Poems
Haiku for Hope
Broken pottery
By the lawn I haven’t mown
And my old blue truck;
Living comfortably
And all that I sacrificed
Was my lofty goals.
Then a cool pillow
When I wake and feel refreshed
Like when I was young;
That ginger sunrise
Isn’t unattainable
If I love enough.
Filed under Poems
And Potlucks Were Never The Same Again
Once upon a time
In a land of myth and ballad
Someone mixed a lot of plants
And called the result a salad.
Later, in Minnesota
Someone mixed mayonnaise
With literally anything at all
And said “Salad happens in many ways.”
Filed under Poems
Seriously… It’s On I-5 Exit 135. Now THAT Is Optimism
No matter how bad a day you had
You’re not as bad off as the guy
Who made an SOS out of rocks beneath the overpass
In case a savior might fly by.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 