There one was a film about heroes
That didn’t gross quite enough zeroes.
Disney said, “Make it funny
“And we’ll make way more money,”
Then the CEO ordered some gyros.
Category Archives: Poems
Please Examine This Excel Graph And Identify The Precise Moment I Did Not Get Laid
I met a beauty in the lab
And we talked of time and space
And before the time had finished
We were walking to my place.
Things were getting steamy
And as she turned off the light
I said “This is like water
“Exceeding 212 degrees Fahrenheit!”
Filed under Poems
That One Supermodel Who’s Still Single For Some Reason
Some things are unspeakable,
Depraved beyond compare.
The fact that they exist
Causes many much despair.
Such things are irredeemable
And inspire only hate
And it’s important I discuss them
On every single date.
Filed under Poems
Better Than Anything Else On TV
Honestly, the most American sport
That no one’s thought of yet
Would have to be drunk NASCAR
(Or its equivalent)
Where the racers have to drink
A bunch if whiskey sours
Until they cannot walk, and then
Turn left for several hours.
It’s a last-man-standing race
That proves, HD and live,
That it is not a good idea
For one to drink and drive,
And yet some kids will spend their lives
Trying to be a pro.
Years later, in Utopia,
We’ll ask, “Where’d the dummies go?”
Filed under Poems
You Get Equality! And You Get Equality! Everybody Gets Equality!
A growing social concern
That, to us, recently came
And affects the common person
Is Inequality of Fame.
Some folks are very famous
And some people are not
And it’s patently unfair
And it ain’t how it ought.
I suggest a policy
Wherein all people must
Create a social profile
With a media giant we trust
And exactly one trillion people
And never more or less
Must follow every profile
So society won’t regress.
If everybody’s famous
We’ll have perfect mental health.
Then maybe a trillion dollar minimum wage
Can do the same for wealth!
Update: It’s come to this poet’s attention that white, heterosexual, natal-males still exist, so this probably won’t happen for a while.
Filed under Poems
Why I Don’t Work At Honda Anymore
I think a good name
For a model of car
Is “Starving African Child
“From Madagascar.”
The reason for this
I’d explain at a meeting:
One’s fast due to engines
And one fasts by not eating.
Filed under Poems
A Sonnet For When Your Vegan Girlfriend Puts You In The Doghouse
How soft the calling of the rose in bloom;
Its rage not diminished by its small size,
For it has seen a man deliver doom
With not a drop, remorseful, from his eyes.
The rose who screams has seen its brothers fall,
Cleft and tied as trinkets for a hot date.
It cries without lungs, giving it its all,
Petals in bloom, show’ring it foes with hate.
Then red and white and pink and gold align
Together in the vengeful rose’s song,
A harmony unheard by humankind
Until they are a dozen voices strong.
Then weep! The florist ends their final day.
Aren’t you relieved I brought you no bouquet?
Filed under Poems
Ham Covered In Sugar, Anyone?
Easter is the day a rabbit brings
Chocolate, eggs, and other things
To all the children with rich parents
And even to the folks named Clarence.
The bunny is a major hit
Among the kids for bringing shit.
They do not know it’s master plan…
The pigs do, and they’re not a fan.
Filed under Poems
We Won… But At What Cost?
The “New World Order” people
And Illuminati really
Missed the point; That making people
Into sheep is kinda silly.
After all, who wants to conquer
A bunch of people dumb enough
To fall for propaganda
As insane as modern stuff?
The Vikings and the Mongols
Had at least old-fashioned pride,
And made sure that their detractors
Fought in wars and mostly died.
But today, old-fashioned values
Like rape and pillage have degraded
To where “rape” means being male
And “pillage” means “medicated.”
And so if all the people
That conspiracies suggest
Cancel all the good among us
And then rule o’er all the rest
I wish them much good fortune
When their conquest is complete.
They’ll starve in perfect harmony
While the cancelled grill their meat.
Filed under Poems
So That Happened…
Yesterday, the internet
Decided to be rude
And with regards to a poem I wrote
The scheduling was eschewed.
The poem in question, “A Halfass Ballad”
Was supposed to be published today
But instead it published an hour before
I wrote it yesterday.
Apparently a time machine
Malfunctioned for a bit
And made the WordPress platform
Look like a load of… anyway
The point of this poem
Is I put effort and thought
Into “yesterday’s” poem
So today effort give I’ll not.
Seriously though… go read “A Halfass Ballad.” It may be the last good poem I publish for some time, as longtime readers are aware. And if you’re still reading this italicized footnote, obviously you have plenty of time on your hands so don’t say “But I just read today’s poem, so I can’t go back and read another one.” Because you can. Also, if you already read “A Halfass Ballad,” read it again because it’s more interesting than this. Seriously, why are you even still here? Love ya!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 