Irritating, aggravating,
Enervating, asinine,
Childish, boorish, makes-me-snore-ish,
Meaningless but mostly fine,
Stupid, senseless, mauve, relentless,
Bleaker than “Old Yeller”,
And somehow amidst these reviews
A New York Times Bestseller…
Category Archives: Poems
Orange Man And Red Riding Hood Friends Now
There once was a big evil wolf
Who sought a young girl to engulf.
He put on Grandma’s dress
And caused major distress.
Now he’s banned from America’s gulf.
Filed under Poems
An Introvert’s Afternoon (Or Why I Don’t Read As Much As I Used To)
You look so comfy on the couch
Quietly reading your book.
Why don’t we turn on the TV
And then leave you alone in your nook
And if you attempt to turn off the show
We’re not watching, we’ll come back and say
“Turn that back on”, then proceed to tell you
All the bad stuff we thought of today.
Filed under Poems
Je ne peux pas me marier parce qu’il y a un dinosaure dans l’église
Duolingo says I’m wrong
When I type “La buste” instead of “Le buste”
But it also told me it couldn’t get married because there was a dinosaur in the church
So I’m not really sure who to trust.
Filed under Poems
Before and After
Hot tub in the snow
Warm and cozy, loving life
Whatcha mean, “Get out”?
Filed under Poems
Off The Grid
The government is playing Yahtzee
Except instead of rolling dice
They get to place the dice face-up
However they think is nice.
Meanwhile, they make us roll our dice
And tell them what we rolled
Even though they already watched us
And take half our score ‘til we fold.
Playing Yahtzee with the government
Is not a whole lot of fun
So that’s why I want to go live in the woods
With my wife, my dog, and my gun.
#Relatable
So you know when you’re in public
And you kinda need to poop
So you go into the restroom
And kinda do a stoop
And pray that all the excrement
That needs to leave your bum
Will flow into the toilet
Before your knees get numb?
You wait and wait for seven years
(The watch would say 1 minute)
‘Til you let loose a bunny turd
And you say, “That’s good, innit?”
And then you do the little walk
Back to the restaurant table
And though you still have to poop
You also want to seem mentally stable?
Filed under Poems
When Your Child Is A “Musician”
To make a student concert go
There are some things you need to know.
Just like a wedding, what you hear
May cause you to shed a tear.
They’ll play a tune you know by heart,
Beloved favorite, devoid of art
And then a piece that’s written so
The talentless might play a show.
This will go on for several hours
And won’t be cancelled due to showers
To gird your loins and plug your ears;
You’ll have one for the next ten years.
Filed under Poems
What Effect Was That Again?
With all the hurricanes and fires
And political unrest
I think it’s time we kill the butterflies.
Take heart. It’s for the best!
Filed under Poems
Ten-Year-Old Me And Thirty-Year-Old Me Have The Same Complaints
My parents said that trading card games
Weren’t good for my education
But as I grow advanced in age
I deny that proclamation
Because working for days on a perfect deck
And bringing it to play with strangers
Only to get wiped out by $1,000 carboard
Is a lesson in capitalist dangers.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 