Gentiles got foreskins, ya,
But my bros got candles nine.
We only got a day of oil
But there’s God, so we’ll be fine.
We can burn these candles y’all
For a dozen days or so
And all you got’s a baby
In a manger full of snow?
You get one day of giving gifts;
We’ve got a fortnight minus two
Plus no Mariah Carey
So come become a jew!
Filed under Poems
The tree is up
The lights are hung
The gifts are wrapped
And stockings strung
The mistle’s toed
Now all I seek
Is to delay the music
For one more week.
Filed under Poems
Today is Black Friday,
That grand shopping day
Where everything costs
What the white people pay.
You can buy all the things
That nobody bought
When the items were valued
As the resellers thought.
Your lunch will be yummy,
Just like last night’s dinner
And you give up your goal
Of ending the year thinner.
Filed under Poems
Today we are thankful for immigrants
Who come here to become a winner.
Without them we’d have to fly to Turkey
To have our traditional dinner.
Filed under Poems
So a hundred thousand novels
Get published every year
But we still go back and read
“Tom Sawyer” and “King Lear”.
We’ve made games in 3D space
So lifelike it’s surreal
But we still enjoy our Tetris
And that hungry yellow wheel.
We have so many robots
That they’re not even that cool
And we had an entire year
Of watching videos at school
But yet we yearn to venture back
Into a simpler day
Where nobody would cancel us
If we said “Bro, that’s gay.”
Filed under Poems
‘Twas two nights before Thanksgiving
And on every website
There were black Friday ads
That were sure to delight,
For why wait three more days
To get ludicrous deals
Like fifty-percent off
Those bejeweled heels?
Sure, in July
They were 99 bucks
But now they’re 199.99 89 dollars.
What incredible luck!
Today we are thankful
For bargains galore.
Now just three days to wait
Before violence in the store!
Filed under Poems
So somebody invented a flat piece of metal
And pumped some lightning inside it
And it makes ones and zeros look like fantasy heroes
And we have no idea who supplied it.
Yet if there’s a method for solving equations
About how many red beans in a jar
Can be expressed fractally, we will know exactly
Who the nerds who invented it are.
Filed under Poems
Did you know that firewood,
While primarily used to burn,
Can also be used to make children sad?
Now you do! Live and learn!
Filed under Poems
Some dumb humdrum bum
Hummed with numb gums.
The sounds was plum crumby
So I gave bum some gum.
The dumb bum said “yum”
And flashed upward his thumb.
May the bum not succumb
And have more words than mum.
Filed under Poems
So God was like “I made animals
“And they’re useful and delicious
“But you chose to eat an apple
“And so, to be malicious,
“I’ll make your parents teach you
“That vegetables are good
“And also make steak cost way more
“Than such meat ever should.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 