Harvey Weinstein, Pablo Escobar, and Joe Biden walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Let me guess… you want me to put it in my body or I’ll never work again?”
When The School Counselor Gives Up
Just because last time you jumped
You injured yourself in the fall
Doesn’t mean you’ll be mistaken
If you once again give it your all.
Just because last time the verdict
Did not go the way you intended
Does not mean your life will be better
If you avoid being offended.
Just because pain is eternal
Doesn’t mean you should quit having fun.
Don’t be a fool! Get up! Go to school!
And oh, by the way, here’s a gun.
Filed under Poems
See Also: Family Reunions
I wish there were a reality show
Where contestants stare at the screen
And ooh and ahh intermittantly
As if the viewer’s being seen
And ask deep, personal questions
Though their answers are rehearsed
Then during the end credits
Debate which viewer is the worst.
Filed under Poems
Thinking Ahead
Today I want to teach you
How to preemptively retort:
This poem is like your penis
So you can’t complain it’s short.
Filed under Poems
Trust The Science
A while ago, a farmer
Would be thought a cause of harm
If he didn’t use asbestos
To fireproof his farm.
A while ago a woman
Who was pregnant and upset
Was told her pain would go away
With a tasty cigarette.
A while ago a baby
Was calm as calm could be,
Unbothered by those nasty flies
Thanks to some DDT.
They told them “Trust the science”
And “You’re selfish to abstain.”
So here we watch as history
Repeats itself again.
Filed under Poems
Saving At The Pump
I met a lady buying gas
Who said her name was Penny.
There were ladies prettier,
But surely not too many.
As she was about to finish
Putting gas into her car
I saw her pull a lighter out
To ignite a cigar.
I rushed over and tackled her
Before the fire could start.
I explained why such a plan
Was neither safe nor smart.
I wish I could say that she
Would one day be my wife
Because I had wits quick enough
To save my Penny’s life…
But alas, the very next day
I wasn’t there, and she burned.
At least her cremation was free;
A Penny saved, a Penny urned.
Filed under Poems
If “Breaking Bad” Starred An English Teacher
I was feeling very upset
Because I was a spammer
And all my emails were ignored
Because my targets had bad grammar.
My mother tried to comfort me…
She sat me in a chair
And patted my back and told me
“Itll bee all right. Their they’re.”
Filed under Poems
Holy Sheeeeeee…
Somewhere there’s a holy cow
In a field where you can stroke it
That gives a little holy “moo”
Whenever you invoke it.
Behind it is a steaming mound
Of what was once it’s dinner.
As for who folks invoke more?
I think we have a winner!
Filed under Poems
They DO Hoard Gold And Love Princesses…
Today a friend was stalking me
Online (with my permission)
And came upon this blog o’ mine
(A most unwise decision)
And as we got to talking
She inspired me to write
A poem about dragons,
Thus my topic for tonight!
But what about a dragon
Would amuse a reader new?
Perhaps my thoughts on bacon
From a dragon’s point of view!
For if I were a dragon
And consumed my daily meat
I’d think a dragon with good taste
Would think bacon’s a treat…
But how’s a mighty villain
Who’s as hateful as he’s big
Going to get the finest strippings
Of the kingdom’s finest pig?
Now, I am not a dragon
(Through no fault of mine… I’m trying!)
And so thinking with a dragon’s mind’s
As likely as pigs flying,
And since there is no evidence
That dragons found a way
To eat sufficient bacon
To make problems go away
I came to the conclusion
That I think must ring true-ish…
Dragons don’t eat bacon,
Therefore dragons must be Jewish!
Filed under Poems
Women Turning Down Dates Be Like…
I wanted to take a moment
To tell you I adore
The way you walk, the way you talk,
The way you smile. What’s more
I wanted to appreciate
How kind you are to me.
Like rain in Spring, new life you bring
To everyone you see!
You’re honest, humble, gentle, strong,
As well as smart and brave.
You’re a man no woman can
Deny she’s always craved.
I think you’re the pinnacle
Of manliness. So there!
But I can’t go to see that show
‘Cause I have to wash my hair.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 