Tomorrow is independence day
In the United States of A,
When lots of old guys wrote a thing
That basically said “Go suck it, King.”
But it’s a day not just about vacation.
Think of the day before the declaration
When patriots said, on that long past 3rd of July
“Holy crap, my dudes, we gonna die!”
Filed under Poems
California made it illegal
To discriminate based on hairstyle.
This is one of the greatest things
I’ve heard in quite a while
Because, based on liberal input,
I know that all white people are racist
And I’ve developed the ultimate strategy
For cutting my hair on that basis:
It’s illegal to bias one’s choices
For traditional hairstyles of race
Like cornrows or dreadlocks or afros
And because this is the case
I can shave my head to spell letters,
Specifically “I disagree.”
Now watch as the left calls me Hitler
And I just say “Hee, hee, hee.”
Dedicated to Helen, My Evil Stepsister 🙂
Want to suggest a poem topic? Leave a comment or email thedailytravesty@yahoo.com
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I see a lot of ads these days
When browsing on the net
For Calvin Klein’s new underwear
(I haven’t purchased yet).
Since it’s pride month I get these pics
Of models in a bra.
The caption reads “Proud in my Calvins,”
But I read it as “Hell naw!”
I’m curious if, come July,
We start to see some ads:
“Fruit of the Loom: No fags allowed.”
“Target: For guys with ‘nads.”
“Jesus loves Mack Weldon briefs:
“Wear them or be a sinner.”
“Panties for ladies who realize
“Dildos don’t buy you dinner.”
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I went to college and got a degree
And hoped it would get me a job.
I learned how to drink, put off work and have threesomes,
And be both a loser and snob.
I can write ten page papers with ten words of content
And get booze with no valid ID.
Now I’m an unemployed expert in horticultural psychology
And I think you deserve this for free.
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95 Americans contracted the plague
From 2000 to 2017
12 of whom have died from it
(At least that we have seen).
It’s amazing that all these years later
The plague is here to stay,
And that it’s death toll is greater
Than all-time ticket sales of the WNBA.
Sources:
https://www.cdc.gov/plague/maps/index.html
(Unfortunately there is no significant data indicating the purchase of one or more tickets to a WNBA event)
Filed under Poems
If the pro-lifers want to win
They just need Trump to say
“Abortion is a bigly good
“And also I’m a gay.”
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There are as many guns as people
In the USA.
There are more rounds of ammo
Than people in history.
Yet you think murder will stop
If guns go away.
Your method of thinking…
Now that is a mystery!
Filed under Poems
One day someone was looking
At a girl with diamond earrings
And thought “hey, those are pretty
“But why not use frisbees instead?”
Thus was the beginning
Of the now-frequent appearings
Of those with earlobes larger
Than the brains inside their heads.
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I have trouble sleeping now
Because I had a dream
Involving my first cousin
And a gallon of whipped cream.
If you don’t think that’s creepy
Here’s the cherry on the top:
I live in Mississippi
So my cousin is my pop.
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Imagine a world
With doubt, fear, or hate,
Where all have a warm bed
And a full dinner plate,
Where soft is the water
And fertile the soil.
Now let’s bomb that place
And steal their oil!
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